The last six weeks i have been traveling all over the northeast, midwest and parts of Canada as I’ve been wedding hopping as a single bachelor. I am in my late twenties and have been fully entrenched in the wedding season of my life for the last two years. Weddings present all of us with great reasons to drink, dance and have sex with random wedding goers all whilst feeling a sense of loneliness, togetherness, regret, positivity and ultimately massive confusion. With that said here are a few pointers from my experiences as a single bachelor in the midst of wedding season.

1. I have been to a dozen or so weddings the last few years. They have ran the whole gamut of weddingness. A wonderfully ornate and over the top wedding in Egypt, followed by a low key one in a friends back yard in Philly. Another wedding set up in the most beautiful islands of Lake Superior in Canada and another in the concrete jungle that is NYC. What I’ve realized is that it doesn’t matter where you are, it just matters how drunk you get with your friends. If you drink a lil and remain conscious then ultimately you’ll be left with your thoughts and thats always dangerous in large groups of drunk people. If you are single like i am you start wondering why you are indeed still single while all your friends have seemingly found happiness. So its necessary that you drink so you can forget that. Also drinking makes it easier for the next point…

2. The wedding hook up. There are always single people at weddings and thats what can really make a wedding fun. Now I’m not saying to whore yourself out. But really its up to your own moral agenda how promiscuous you decide to act. And thats whats great about weddings, there is no moral agenda. Its like this vacuum of ethical ambiguity that excuses all type of scandalous behavior. In fact being a slut is almost encouraged at weddings, as long as you are not the bride or groom. People expect emotions to flow. When emotions flow so do bad decisions. Weddings are the only place where bad decisions are allowed, well weddings and war. So embrace it. And if you cant find someone that you are particularly attracted to, then just keep drinking. At a recent wedding a friend approached me with a scouting report. We both acknowledged that out of our personal rating systems we only found girls who were a 6 out of 10 at best. Hours later i was quoted as saying “Drunk at 3am those 6′s become a 7.” So true. Moving on…

3. Weddings are frickin’ expensive. We all know this to be true. But with the economy tanking its even more so. Plus with their actually being a “wedding season” they hit you one after the other and its easily enough to bankrupt a person. What is worse is that you cant make the bride or groom feel guilty about it because its “their day.” Maybe a few months down the road but not at the wedding. The key to all this is to remember each guest has one year to deliver the wedding gift. Its amazing how many people don’t know this. I guess one year there had to be a guy who went postal during wedding season after the banks foreclosed on his home. So they made an addendum and now we all have up to a year after the date of the wedding to get a gift for our beloved “just married” friends. Thank god for this rule. Just remember though that you get to bankrupt all your friends one day with your own destination wedding. Im going to Hawaii.

4. DANCE! Don’t be a sour puss at a wedding. Dance your ass off. Even if you are a horrible dancer, which most of us are (except for myself, I’m awesome at dancing) dance anyway. Its the best way to have fun with your friends. Generally good bands play at weddings, fun bands that play up to the crowd, so just let loose. But be aware of the dreaded “electric slide”. If you get caught in that crush you are likely to pull a muscle or tear a ligament.

So if you are single these are just a few tidbits to remember or just live by. If you have trouble remembering them then please feel free to rent Wedding Crashers or just wait for it to air on TBS (but thats not nearly as good because they have to edit out a lot, including all the boobies). Oh, its true what they said too, tattoo on the lower back – might as well be a bulls eye.

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