There’s a new guy at my gym. He’s older, maybe in his 60s, and walks for an extended period of time on the treadmill. Unfortunately for him, he’s unknowingly drew my ire because he uses my treadmill. Yes, it’s mine. I run on it everyday at the same time so it’s mine. Even the guy who monitors the floor knows I get upset when someone else is on it. It happens to be the only one without a stupid TV attached to it. I hate those TVs – you can’t see yourself run and it makes me dizzy. And yes, I like to look at myself in the mirror because I am vain. I’m not the only one who hates the TVs; there’s another runner who comes in after me and I usually hold the TV-less treadmill for him and he takes it over when I’m done.

So back to the new guy… he walks on the treadmill for what seems like an eternity. I’m not hating on walkers – I understand that one day I’m not going to be able to run. Walking is healthy and beneficial, and I can’t be mad at that. However, I see no reason for him to walk on MY TV-less treadmill. If you’re just walking, you don’t need to watch your form or have to worry about speeding up and smacking your face into the screen. In fact, I would think maybe some mindless TV would help with the monotony. Or, he could just, you know, walk around his house for 30 minutes (he could even throw some steps in there for some hill training, unless he lives in a ranch). And, I mean, I can’t say anything to the guy because, yep, I’d once again be an asshole. But I am trying to jet out of work early and he is still there before me!

It’s now a battle. I am going to buy some camouflage dri-fit clothing to blend with my surroundings (and also keep my body temperature stable and wick the sweat away). I will learn his habits and schedule and use that to make sure that my treadmill is protected from the likes of him. I will slowly force him onto the TV-laden treadmills and indoctrinate him with pro-TV propaganda. Then I will mark my territory by peeing on the TV-less treadmill and will growl when the staff comes near to kick me out.

When in doubt, urinate.

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