As I cuddled up with my blankets for about the sixth movie of the weekend, I let out a sigh of relief. One because I was eating Slow Churned Cookie Dough ice cream. Two and most importantly, because I didn’t have to share it with anyone. While I was still getting used to the idea of not sharing a bed with someone, I was content. Most dire to me, I was not panicking.

Don’t get me wrong. I was by no means a raging addict. I did not belong in a Sex or Alcohol Anonymous Program.  (My alcohol intake was quite a bit but not to the extent that it was damaging my life. My liver, however, would beg to differ.)

What has been unnerving me the most this past week is my “dependency” in seeking the opposite sex’s attraction not in my other vices. The most baffling to me is that I have not been in a solid relationship for a long time and I have lived on my own for several months. There was no question that I could in fact survive on my own. I have entertained myself with myself for days on end. So, why the current need to have a warm body next to me? Is it because it’s winter? Is it because it’s close to Valentine’s Day?
I thought about the answer all week and what it comes down to really is the acquisition of my self esteem. Rather my lack of tenacity in seeking it recently. How did I let myself become a part of someone else? Their identity? Their praise?  Sure, at one point or another we all identify with our significant other. It’s the point where the lines blur and we start to share similar traits and interests.
I have become a different person in my own body. I have the same legs, eyes, hair, everything but I am a stranger to myself.

How did this all begin?

Media? Childhood? Relationships? It is all of them. I started to really channel myself into what happened in the past and how I am pushed towards a certain concept of what I should be like. My own perception has become limiting. Somehow all of the bad things in my relationships: platonic & romantic, have collected in my brain and now I have embodied all of those negative things.

Grieving is to feel grief for or because of or to cause great stress to. They say there are x number of steps to grief. If I am ready to bury my old self I must follow these steps in order to get over it. There are five: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But how does oneself grieve oneself?

Maybe it’s because I am going through a quarter life crisis (shake your heads, you thirty plus year olds, you) that I decided it was time to do much more than just party. Maybe it’s time for me to start acting like all of my friends with degrees act. Maybe it’s not. I can’t say for certain just yet but each day is a step closer to discovering what my happiness is. Sure, the road to happiness is long, winding with twists and turns, steep climbs and huge falls to piss your pants. Some could say it’s treacherous. And although I am only two weeks deep into my re-self discovery, I know that I’ll be learning more about myself in the forthcoming weeks. I am genuinely looking forward to what lies ahead.