I got an invite a few days ago from Jesus to be friends on Myspace. Without taking time to check out His profile, I denied the request. As I drove through the fog on my way to work, I wondered if I had made a deadly mistake. What if this was truly His way of reaching out to the world? What if I am the medium through which He will finally return again to greet the masses? Could it be that, via a social networking site known best for stalking ex-lovers and posting embarrassing photos of friends, Jesus was making his triumphant return?

“Forget the masses,” I thought to myself as I pulled into the parking garage. I don’t have a ton of faith in humanity as it is; the important question here was “What does this mean to Andy.” After referring to myself aloud in third person, I pondered if my actions that morning had sealed my fate. How would I explain what I had done?

“My dear child. Welcome to heaven, where eternal peace and happiness await all who enter.”

“Thank you, keeper of the gates of Heaven. It truly is an honor to be standing here before thee,” I’d say while secretly wondering if sinful pleasures such as masturbation are allowed within the hallowed gates.

“Andrew, it fills my heart with great sadness to inform you that I cannot let you enter at this time.”

My mind would race: It is because of the cat I skinned when I was 8? Was it that double-anal scene I did in college to help pay for tuition? How was I supposed to know you weren’t supposed to jerk-off to the Golden Girls?

“My child, I must decline your entry into Heaven for, while you were more than happy to add ’69GoatFucker’ to your Myspace, you declined the friendship of the Lord and therefore, have declined all that is holy.”

As my body passed through infinite space, quickly falling into the arms of hell, I’d wish I could turn back time and hit the “accept” button. Choose your friends wisely and be careful who you decline to be a friend.

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