I recently got into a debate with my buddy Jaxon over the fact that John Mayer was called one of the greatest guitarists (or some similar shit) by Rolling Stone.  I disagreed – since someone like Adam Jones from Tool was left out – but then I realized it’s not because I think John Mayer is a bad guitar player.

I think John Mayer is a douchebag.

No, I don’t like Your Body is a Wonderland, especially since it was allegedly written about Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose body is not a wonderland at all.  Unless by “wonderland” you mean “really well airbrushed in all of those men’s magazines and definitely NOT a size 2, even though she gave People Magazine a really misleading statement that sort of claimed that she was.”  Then, yeah, it’s a wonderland.  But otherwise, no.  And then he dated/didn’t date/hate-fucked Jessica Simpson who embodies almost everything that is wrong with mass media today (except for her huge tits, there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s more the underwhelming talent).

Basically, give John Mayer a guitar and tell him to shut the hell up.  This includes blogging.  John Mayer – you’re not allowed to blog.  Just keep writing those bluesy licks that people love you so much for and leave the writing to people like me, who work in retail and have nothing better to do in their off-time.  And if you need proof as to why you should shut up, please reference your recent blog on “douchebags.” 

Allow me to comment on one such erudite paragraph from the aforementioned blog:

And “douchebag” was on the vinegary tips of everyone’s tongues this year. Trouble is, I’m not really clear on what it means, and I don’t know that anyone does. I know that I get called one. Pete Wentz from Fallout Boy, by measure of a google search, is a douchebag 11,100 times over, or the number of results that the search engine says exist. Zach Braff, who himself wrote one of the better films I’ve seen in the last decade is also frequently ‘bagged, as is some guy named Brody Jenner. In fact, if you want to go big, so is Michael Stipe, Bono (“supreme douchebag”), Thom Yorke, Will Smith and Brad Pitt.

John, don’t defend Pete Wentz.  Especially not since his current gf is your ex-gf’s sister.  It can’t be because you really think Fall Out Boy is that worthy of accolades.  The tunes are catchy, but Fall Out Boy is not the end-all be-all of music.  It’s not innovative or completely special (unless you are 14, paint your last two fingernails black, and update your MySpace layout on the daily).  As for Zach Braff… well… contrary to what you might believe, Garden State wasn’t that good; it was the quitessential emo-writer-I’m misunderstood because it’s easier to be misunderstood than to realize you’re just like everyone else movie.  Stop wasting your jizz on it.  Guys idolize the Natalie Portman character, but if you met her in real life, you’d tear your fucking hair out with all her high-maintenance, “but I’m different!” shit.  And I hear that Zach Braff treats common people like shit, so yeah, he’s a douchebag.  Lastly, Brody Jenner is a douchebag because not only is his popularity based on that of his dad, but he’s also famous for being the fake-boyfriend of a fake-TV “star.”  Douuuuuuche.

I’ve never heard a bad word about Will Smith (it doesn’t hurt that he’s from Philly and we love to see our own blossom as long as they don’t cause us to lose a Superbowl), so, no, not a douche.  Bono, Thom Yorke, Michael Stipe – music legends in the making, front-runners of their genres (except for the ZooTV tour, sorry Bono) and overall fucking artistic geniuses.  I’m not sure which misanthropes called them douches, but it wasn’t me or anyone else who is awesome.

You, John Mayer, have opened up a new can of worms with your foray into discovering the deeper meaning of “douchebaggery.”  I suggest you stick to the guitar.  However, if you need further assistance, call one of my many exes.  They can help you flesh out that definition.

Thanks to Just Jared for first posting here.

Similar articles that might also interest you:

Comments