Unflattering pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bikini hit the internet last week and started a veritable shitstorm of blog comments and debates about body image. To that I say – everyone shut the fuck up. Just shut up. Homegirl let herself go a little bit. JLove has natural curves and no talent and I am okay with both of those things. However, she needs to not be allowed to blog on her MySpace ever again because no one cares what she thinks. She raves about how a size 2 isn’t fat; it’s not, but there’s no way in hell she’s a size 2. And my major problem with JLove is that she could have prevented this all from happening.

This is clearly her fault. No, I’m not talking about hitting the gym (although it couldn’t hurt, she’s looking a lil fleshy). She has been on enough moderately (inexplicably?) successful TV shows to know that when you wear an ill-fitting, fugly-ass bikini on a beach laden with photographers, you are going to be criticized. First, the top – JLove, you have huge tits and a bandeau is just not going to do it. Get something with a wire or a halter cut to support those puppies. I can only imagine the bruising on your knees from the constant beating from your breasts. Second, the bottoms – why would a girl with wider hips ever pick hipster bottoms with low-cut legs? She looks stubby and broad and neither is a good look. High-cut bottoms elongate the leg and thinner side straps don’t draw as much attention to your child-bearing pelvis. There is just more fug here than I can deal with.

I understand too that negative body image is a problem, especially among young girls. And I agree that we place almost unreachable standards of beauty on celebrities. However, here’s my deal – for as many girls have negative body image, there are like 90 obese people reaching for cheesesteak #2 (yes, these are clearly real facts, I live in Philly, one of the fattest cities in America and I am pretty much an expert). Also, if you’re a celebrity and can afford a personal trainer, whatever healthy food you wanted, and someone to tell you what to wear, why not have a bangin’ body? I think it’s interesting too that we criticize Hollywood and the fashion industry for promoting skinny people, but you never see Runner’s World get criticized for having emaciated-looking marathoners on the cover (check out Jan 2008 issue, the chick on the front has bangin’ legs but is skinny and airbrushed as fuck and it’s kinda gross).

Whatever. Buy a better bikini and fire your stylist. And stop your blogging and being famous then no one will give a shit what you look like (and the world will be rid one more talentless chick with huge tits). There, problem solved.

If you wanna look at the offending pics, start with this artice at People.com and work your way from there. I’m too lazy to post links. I just like to rant before I go to the bar.