Sex and Coffee

There is a Hustler porn store on Sunset Ave here in LA. This is not a surprise as Los Angeles is universally accepted as the porn capitol of the United States. Its not surprising considering that Larry Flynt’s, Flynt Publications is located in LA. Its not surprising even though its in the middle of a bustling area full of restaurants, hotels and clubs for locals and tourists alike. Its not surprising considering the Hollywood walk of fame is close by and so is the Kodak Theater where the Academy Awards are held. Its not surprising that Hardcore porn DVDs are located inside. Its not surprising that sex toys including vibrators, dildos, sex swings and accessories such as condoms, lotions, cuffs are located inside. Its not surprising that lingerie and busty salespeople are located inside either.

What is surprising is that within this delectable den of carnal capitalism lies a coffee shop. Within the Hustler store there is a cafe where one doesn’t only have to fantasize about munching on carpet but also can literally munch on a delicious blueberry scone and chase it down with a freshly brewed coffee or even a double skim cappuccino.

“May i have a caramel macchiato to go with my double sided dildo please?” Thank you!!

The road to happiness

As I cuddled up with my blankets for about the sixth movie of the weekend, I let out a sigh of relief. One because I was eating Slow Churned Cookie Dough ice cream. Two and most importantly, because I didn’t have to share it with anyone. While I was still getting used to the idea of not sharing a bed with someone, I was content. Most dire to me, I was not panicking.

Don’t get me wrong. I was by no means a raging addict. I did not belong in a Sex or Alcohol Anonymous Program.  (My alcohol intake was quite a bit but not to the extent that it was damaging my life. My liver, however, would beg to differ.)

What has been unnerving me the most this past week is my “dependency” in seeking the opposite sex’s attraction not in my other vices. The most baffling to me is that I have not been in a solid relationship for a long time and I have lived on my own for several months. There was no question that I could in fact survive on my own. I have entertained myself with myself for days on end. So, why the current need to have a warm body next to me? Is it because it’s winter? Is it because it’s close to Valentine’s Day?
I thought about the answer all week and what it comes down to really is the acquisition of my self esteem. Rather my lack of tenacity in seeking it recently. How did I let myself become a part of someone else? Their identity? Their praise?  Sure, at one point or another we all identify with our significant other. It’s the point where the lines blur and we start to share similar traits and interests.
I have become a different person in my own body. I have the same legs, eyes, hair, everything but I am a stranger to myself.

How did this all begin?

Media? Childhood? Relationships? It is all of them. I started to really channel myself into what happened in the past and how I am pushed towards a certain concept of what I should be like. My own perception has become limiting. Somehow all of the bad things in my relationships: platonic & romantic, have collected in my brain and now I have embodied all of those negative things.

Grieving is to feel grief for or because of or to cause great stress to. They say there are x number of steps to grief. If I am ready to bury my old self I must follow these steps in order to get over it. There are five: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But how does oneself grieve oneself?

Maybe it’s because I am going through a quarter life crisis (shake your heads, you thirty plus year olds, you) that I decided it was time to do much more than just party. Maybe it’s time for me to start acting like all of my friends with degrees act. Maybe it’s not. I can’t say for certain just yet but each day is a step closer to discovering what my happiness is. Sure, the road to happiness is long, winding with twists and turns, steep climbs and huge falls to piss your pants. Some could say it’s treacherous. And although I am only two weeks deep into my re-self discovery, I know that I’ll be learning more about myself in the forthcoming weeks. I am genuinely looking forward to what lies ahead.

96th Hour of Sobriety

I thought I’d make my comeback with an extravagant entrance. Picture a ticker tape parade with floats composed of people wearing burlap sacks and holding Zimas. Visualize a nun pontificating about abstinence and the benefits. Imagine a cop confiscating an 8th of weed and the criminal being delighted. This has been encompassing me for the past few days. Although 96 hours isn’t much in the grand scheme of things it is for a person who partakes in vices.

After a month of just turning 25 I believe it’s time to clear my head. Best described to a friend, “I don’t want to let any of those things cloud me, myself and I plus this means I’ll have more money.” Of course, he did not take me seriously and retorted, “That is very true, hookers can be quite expensive.” Despite what others think, I’m dead serious. I’m about to embark on a 3 month journey of no sex, smoking, alcohol or drugs. My goal is ultimately to extend this beyond 3 months but I’m not making any promises.  In 2009 this is probably the most difficult task to grasp. By now you’re probably baffled as to why I would even choose this escapade.

Well, after a long bout of ominous dating, four months of non-stop late nights, strong drinks and a haze of THC, I’m burnt out. Although I have a strong head screwed on my shoulders. I need some clarity.
I whole heartedly believe that sex is the bane for most woes. In excess alcohol and drugs have the same effect.

Iam preparing myself for a lot of nights of, well, boringness according to popular belief. I have stocked up on a ton of books, music, movies and a few friends who support me. Perhaps my expectations are high but I’m thinking I will experience a lot of epiphanies.

My first one I’ve discovered is respect. I certainly know the definition of respect but do not know it in the context of myself. While I hold respect for a lot of people I have not respected myself recently. I have let people disrespect me time and time again. From disappearing on me for a week to emotional abuse to letting someone back into my life. The list, unfortunately, goes on. In the past I’ve known that in order for others to respect you it begins within yourself. I am now starting to remember this.  While most people will not understand what or why I’m doing this to me this is a challenge I’m willing to take in order to gain the insight I’m looking for.

The days of me acting like I’m 18 are over for awhile. I suppose this means I’m grown up or mature as they call it.

Durex Get It On

This is and isn’t work safe, it’s funny and it’s not.  It’s a video poking fun at a very serious subject, yet done so very well.


Movie Credits:
Client    Durex
Title    Get It On
Director    Superfad
Duration    :30
Agency    Fitzgerald+CO

See the outtakes on Superfad.

I Want To Kick You All Over

I was recently dirty texting with a girl friend (Naomi for purpose of the story) of mine. Back and forth we kept sending naughty messages to one another while I was riding the train back home. I love dirty texting with Naomi because she has an active imagination and is very kinky thus I am always amused while being turned on. I will admit that even sometimes I am quite astounded by the things she writes. I don’t know if she would ever even imagine doing half the things that comes across our phones but its fun to read them and on lonely days does the trick.

But this time specifically I think I took it to a whole different level. It always starts mildly but heats up rather quickly. Texts about appearances and kissing shortly thereafter become quite graphic. I forget exactly what she said but I responded to her with “I want to lick your body all over.” I sat there on a packed train glancing over my shoulder, half expecting someone to know but not wanting to be exposed for the pervert that I really am. Something about engaging in dirty text in a public arena is scintillating. You are not such a deviant that you are engaging in any physical act open to everyone around you yet you are exercising your hormones discreetly. I was surprised when she responded “wtf? That’s some weird ass kinky shit.” Confused, eyes squinting, neck-straining back a little … I pondered. I’ve seen Naomi type some freaky shit before… believe me, freaky ass shit so I couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. Curious, I went through my sent messages and had seen that the actual text I sent was a misunderstanding via the T9 option on my phone. Thus instead of typing, “lick” I actually wrote “kick”. In actuality I had sent her “I want to kick your body all over.”

A blunder of Atonement proportions. Certainly I was not confusing graphic letters describing dirty cunts for confessions of love but still, who knows what type of repercussions could have resulted. Perhaps I finally would have freaked her out. Perhaps it would have opened up a door to some sexually violently texts discussing slapping, fantasy rape, asphyxiation or something involving 2girls1cup. But I do have to admit the image of me sitting there kicking her body all over did make me smirk a little and once I explained it to Naomi, she found it entertaining as well.

Look Ma, I’m a Ho-Fessional

If you’ve seen a newspaper lately, watched TV, clicked on your little safari or explorer icon and checked out msn/cnn/yahoo/whatever, you would know that the Governor of New York was recently involved in a prostitution ring that is massively destructing his reputation and political career. With a record of ordering up smutty favors that may be considered sexually unsafe, Client # 9 didn’t suggest anything to “Kristen” that she couldn’t handle, but he sure did enough humping to rack up an estimated 80 grand in prostitution invoices over the some odd years he was a patron.

Moreover, if you’ve been breathing lately (as you should be), you would also know that there is a big presidential race coming up with a democratic knock-out about to take place in the ring. One candidate, a very powerful woman in her own right, was the victim of the most publicly exposed and smattered case of adultery in history. Does it affect the way we look at her, they way people are voting today? Sure as hell it does. Of course Hillary is feeling the sting of this most recent and blatant hypocrisy, Spitzer was one of her biggest supporters and a powerhouse set to lead the democrats at the National Convention this summer. You better believe that it hurts twice as much considering her penance for a good man who can’t keep his cigars to himself. Hold on tight, Hil, you are about to tumble faster than Fergie’s London bridge.

Even McCain has had his share of torrid sexual allegations, and he’s a good old boy, a snot-nosed republican that is supposed to be a moral standard compared to those crazy and outlandish democrats. At least the hippie democrats keep it interesting, divulging into a world of gay sexploits mixed with a little homeland security in which former Gov. McGreevy attempted to maneuver. Not to say that such infidelities are banished to a certain political party or state line, we seem to be a culture that holds no bounds when it comes to sex in these terms.

Not that sex is a bad thing; I’m the last person to be saying something as asinine as that. It’s the obvious lack of control and the disregard of public respect that our elected officials like to indirectly shove in our faces every time they think we have our backs turned. When did commanding power get passed from the societal leaders of our country to the slutty interns, the ho-fessionals that know how to take a man down by giving him everything that he can’t ask his wife for? Furthermore, why is it that sex can take down governors and bring a president to near impeachment, yet a man who brings us to a war that we shouldn’t be fighting and takes the economy to its knees is allowed to hold us captive as the leader of the free world? It leads us to believe that sex is power and people are power hungry. It also leads us to believe that maybe these men need to find kinkier wives in the first place. No, Hillary Clinton is definitely not kinky.

An age old issue, one that we’ve seen far too many times, is that public figures need to keep their penises, vajayjays, cigars, hands, fingers and toes (?) to themselves. At least do so to stop the cringing that I take on every time I see your disgraced yet smiling Stepford Wife standing by you as you confess your sins at a pulpit of newshounds and flashing bulbs. It degrades the choices that the voting public has made as a whole in this democratic society, and quite frankly, I’m sick of hearing about some fat balding politician and his lewd behavior with an overpriced hooker/underpaid intern. Sheeze. A guy can’t even tap his toe to the muzak playing in the bathroom and remain under the radar anymore. At least it keeps us from having to hear about Britney Spears’ crotch for the 13,653,234,325th time….. but then again, I haven’t quite decided which is worse.


Please note: In no way am I condoning the use of the lyrics to any Fergie song in any way except for an occasional instance of satirical madness.

Philadelphia has the ugliest people in America

A 60 minute drive and I’m in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. Talk to anyone who lives there though, and you may here a few of its nicknames, like the city of brotherly shove or Philth-a-delphia. Philly has been and continues to be one of the hardest cities in the country, both with crime and fighting off a bad image. I’ve been making regular trips there since I was about 13 or so and have watched the city grow, change and evolve over time. The destination spot of South Street, which used to be lined up and down with independent stores, small coffee shops and live music on the streets has been over-run by corporate chain stores and eateries in the last 5 years or so. Most of the clubs I used to go to and work in even as little as 4 years ago that used to line Delaware Ave are gone, but this is bound to happen any city. Even so, Philadelphia has a new challenge among themselves to deal with.

Philadelphia has the ugliest people in the country, according to Travel & Leisure Magazine. Of the 25 major American cities ranked by citizen attractiveness, Philadelphia finished dead-last.

While I searched the net for the original article from T&L and couldn’t come up with it,, where the above quote is from, has some great reactions from Philadelphians who feel jaded, especially when compared to the number one city, Miami. What can you expect from a city that is famous for cheese steaks, cream cheese and Tastykakes.

Eco Sexy

Today is Blog Action Day! A day where fourteen thousand blogs will discuss one issue by trying to make an impact on 15 million readers. The topic? Environmentalism.

I feel that a lot of people don’t know what “going green” means. According to Wikipedia it means

…a concern for the preservation, restoration, or improvement of the natural enviroment, such as the conservation of natural resources, prevention of pollution, and certain land use actions.

The concern I feel most people have is where to begin. There are plenty of simple tips to get yourself started. Every little bit counts whether its taking less time in the shower or changing your light bulbs. A few examples can be found right here on Randomn3ss, “Going More Green“, by Lauren. Or rent the infamous movie by Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth.

However, I digress. My topic is about sex. Now I can imagine the puzzled looks on everyone’s faces. Yes, I wondered myself how anyone can green up their sex life. Well, it can be done. Let’s explore it further.

I got these tips from Treehugger, a website that has a plethora of environmental topics.

  1. Sex Toys – Most sex toys contain chemicals called phthalates, a threatening chemical that’s been banned in children’s toys since 2004. It is especially said to be dangerous in sex toys because of the warm and moist places they are deposited in. So, instead of purchasing a unsafe toy it’s suggested to buy a more natural companion. Trying out a toy made of glass, metal, silicone, hard plastics, or elastomers is a safe bet. Instead of wasting batteries look for a rechargeable toy. Fun Factory is a neat place where you’ll find Lily, Lelo & Acuvibe.
  2. Lubricant – Looking at the labels helps choosing a more natural lubricant. Avoid using any petroleum (save the fossil fuels), artificial scents, flavors and colors. A good choice is Babeland’s water based lubricant.
  3. Condoms – The phrase, “reduce, reuse and recycle” is an angelic symphony to any environmentalists ears. However, this does not apply to condoms. We all know that a baby free environment means using a safe and reliable form of protection. Nothing beats the good ol’ latex condom. However, they are still determining whether or not a latex condom is biodegradable. For a biodegradable option lambskin is an option to protect against conception not STDs. For vegetarians (like me) and vegans a good source is Glyde condoms. Any condom that is polyurethane is not biodegradable so try and stay away from them. Another excellent tip is not to dispose condoms down the toilet, it will clog the pipes, treatment plants and rivers.
  4. Green Date – Homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual and asexual are terms we’ve heard of to describe one’s orientation or style. What about ecosexual? They exist and in large numbers. If you’re looking for a companion that doesn’t chomp on animals, recycles and uses organic toothpaste you can find a match on Green Singles, Green Passions and Human 2 Human.
  5. Dress Eco Sexy – Looking and feeling sexy can make for some naughty antics. Why not save the environment while you’re at it? There are products for men and women. Peau Ethique has some cute and comfortable undergarments along with Bueno Style, Butta and Green Knickers. My ultimate favorite is Enamore which has gorgeous, sexy clothes and lingerie.

How NOT to Pick Up a Chick

I live in an area where sometimes it’s quicker to walk 1/2 a mile than it is to drive it (seriously… Philly ‘burbs traffic is stupid and so is everyone driving in it).  For that reason, and because I am a cheap bastard (gas is expensive, yo!), I often choose to walk to work or to Wawa or sometimes just for the hell of it to get out of my apartment.  I am usually dressed in a tshirt, some form of pants, and sneakers, those being the most comfortable walking clothes.  I mention this to highlight the fact that I am not walking around in broad daylight dressed like a stripper (that’s only at night, duh).  However, I am constantly subjected to the most annoying goddamn reactions from men.

The holler out the car window.

Seriously.  Guys.  Why?

Now, some of you may say, “Wow, it must be tough being a hot girl and getting attention.”  Now, I’m not like, supermodel hot or anything, but I have a decent body and good hair.  And it’s nice to get affirmation every once and a while… BUT SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO WALK IN PEACE, without being holla-ed at or whistled to or honked in the direction of (which, more often than not, only serves to scare the bejesus out of me).  Most of the time, I also am sweaty, unshowered, and basically look like shit, which is apparently really attractive to men who happen to be piloting an automobile.  This also makes me question why I take any time at all to get ready to go out.  Of course I like attention (what girl doesn’t?), but can’t we save it for the bar or a party or concert when it’s more, I don’t know, expected?  Why must it be when I’m trying to mind my own business and simply locomote somewhere? 

And no, no I will not give you my number.  No matter how many times you circle the block.  Ugh.

I just don’t get it… I mean, I seldom get hit on when I’m out, which makes me think that I should constantly cross paths with men going at least 15mph because I must look good blurry.  And since I can’t really beat these drive-by letharios (you clearly outnumber those who focus solely on the road), I’ve decided to join them.  Now, when I drive past them, no landscaper or construction worker is safe, nor is the businessman on the way home from the train.  No, no, now you will be subjected to crass hooting from the passenger’s side window of my little Acura, as I check out your ass and then tell you what I think about it.  Tag, you’re it.

Russia’s Summer of Love…

The US has been experiencing a steady growth in population for the entirety of its existence. Not quite a year ago, America welcomed its 300 millionth citizen, something I personally view as a blessing and a curse. Not all countries however are growing like the US, example #1: Russia. Those kooky Russkies have come up with a plan to tackle their low birth rate because, according to the Associated Press, a la the Washington Times, Russia’s population has been declining since the 1990’s and is expected to fall below 100 million by 2050. Their solution? The declaration of September 12th the “Day of Conception,” where everyone gets the day off to go home and hump.

The hope is for a brood of babies exactly nine months later, on Russia’s national day. Couples who “give birth to a patriot” during the June 12 festivities win money, cars, refrigerators and other prizes.

One couple won 250,000 rubles, or about $10,000 US. I’d live with that much snow if it meant I got paid to have babies!