I forgot about this little story and I wanted to share it.  I was showering after four days of camping, letting the water rinse out three states worth of dirt, and thinking about simultaneous cleansing of the soul, blah blah.  And I had this memory of another time I was cleansed by nature, in an entirely different – and far less private – setting.

It was the summer of 2001, the summer after my freshman year of college.  I was 18, studying Russian in Estonia for a month (weird, I know).  I took a side trip with my teachers, Svetlana and Tatyana (Sveta y Tanya in the familiar, konyechno!), to a monastery, somewhere in the Estonian countryside.  It was Russian Orthodox, literally in the middle of nowhere… I’m sure I still have my journal from that month abroad (it’s probably in the room full of boxes that I’ve still to unpack, 7 months later).

Anyway, it was a hot day.  I wore a long skirt, necessary to maintain propriety in such a holy place, but incidentally also black as to be slimming.  So I looked thin and sweaty the entire time.  My teachers led me through a field to a sacred stream to watch baptisms and cleansings.  Little did I know that “visiting” the stream would lead to my being dunked, buck ass naked in front of three other buck ass naked women, into freezing cold water.

But that’s where I was headed.

We walked into a wooden shed in a group, purposefully waiting until the women in front of us had completely clothed and exited.  Tanya shut the door behind us, leaving me with three quickly disrobing Russian women (the identity of the third escapes me now) and not nearly enough darkness for me to feel comfortable.

“You want me to do what?”
“Get een zee stream.”
“Naked?”
“Da.”

One by one the women took the plunge and one by one I stripped off another layer of clothing, relegating myself to the inevitable.  Soon enough, it was my turn.  I stepped carefully on the wooden slabs leading into the stream, which was moving faster than I expected and felt BALLS OUT COLD (I know, I’m in school for writing, I should think of a more eloquent description, but this so fits).

The women looked at me expectantly.  Now or never.

“Odin, dva, tree!”

I took the plunge.  Fully underwater, hair and all, arms crossed over my chest.

Naked.

Breathing came with some difficulty when I emerged.  Everyone was smiling.  I was smiling.  Refreshed.  Clean.  Naked in a stream in the middle of the Estonian countryside.

We dried off and got dressed, not really talking, but not ignoring each other either.  We sat in a field next to the monastery, warming ourselves in the sun.  Idyllic, yeah, totally.  But honestly, I remember feeling completely at peace in a foreign land, under the spell of a semi-foreign religion, after experiencing a foreign – and temporally unique – event.

Something tactile about tonight’s shower reminded me of that day.  It reminded me of home.

I have been watching “The Florida Outpouring” for the past two weeks. This self-titled Christian movement has been meeting in Lakeland, Florida, every night for the past 60 days. The meetings are led by Pastor Todd Bentley, a short overweight young man of 32 who is covered in tattoos and piercings. Pastor Todd Bentley and his associates claim healings have been occurring in these meetings and, nightly, bring as many as 40 people up on stage to ‘testify’ concerning their healings. Their meetings are attended by as many as 13,000 people and have garnered enough attention to appear on MSNBC. Among the healings claimed; a man able to see out of his glass eye, visible tumors shrinking and disappearing, the deaf hearing, the blind seeing, people confined to wheelchairs getting up and walking, as well as (are you ready for this???) 18 resurrections from the dead. A Christian channel available on the Direct TV network (Godtv) began broadcasting the meetings over a month ago free of charge to Todd Bentley and his associates.

So… what is going on? Is this a gigantic hoax? An incredible scam for money and fame? Are these 13,000 people a night so desperate to believe that they can be healed that they are blind to facts? What ARE the facts? What do YOU think?

The nightly meetings stream online here at the ministry website (low quality) beginning at 7PM ET (4PM PST) The healing portion generally follows the worship, falling around 8:30 ET (5:30 PST) Also here at the God.tv website (Short sign-up procedure, painless, high quality) beginning at 8PM ET (5PM PST) healing portion 9:30 ET (6:30 PST). Replay begins around 1AM ET (10PM PST).

Two of my mother’s friends are going to visit the ‘revival’, one in hopes of being healed of terminal cancer, as the preachers claim others have been cured of terminal diseases. I will get back to you after I talk to them upon their return.

Being that today is a lazy Sunday afternoon, the sun is hidden behind what is lovingly referred to as PA gray here in my neck of the woods, I figured I’d spend some time cleaning out my bookmarks list. It’s been getting a bit out of control lately and needs to be organized, exciting stuff huh? In any event, I have this great sore bookmarked that I probably haven’t been to in more than a year. It’s one of those online stores that you’d more than likely never buy anything from, but it’s cool to look at from time to time. In any event, they have an interesting twist to make sure you always have enough TP in the crapper, and with a little humor at the same time.

A new twist on the old saying, Holy shit. Available from Gnr8.com

Yesterday a co-worker showed me a business card that was left on the retail floor of the store we work at. It was yellow in color with plain black text, obviously printed at home and contained a curious question, Are you a good person? The card also had a character of a man’s head on it wearing a bow tie and a link to The Good Person Test.

I’m all for guerilla marketing, but leaving a business card like this in a retail store is pretty tacky, from what I’ve been told, this has happened several times. Intrigued by it, I fell into the trap and went to the website.

The website starts off fairly harmless and asks questions that you answer. If you are honest, you’ll start to see some really nice bible quotes to your yes or no answers. Half way through the test, the website is telling me,

By your own admission and the standard of God’s law, the Ten Commandments, you are a lying, thieving, blasphemous, murderous, adulterer at heart.

And you have to face God on judgment day!

Wow. OK, clearly I am dealing with some bible toting person who is out to set the record straight on what he or she feels is the black and white issues of life. A half dozen more questions into the test and what seems to be endless quoting of the bible, I am taken to a page for questions and comments as well as a link to a bible study coarse which goes to a local Baptist church. This seems pretty out there for a church to back this sort of site, especially since there is no other advertising of anything church related on it, with the exception of what appears to be a church / god movie press release.

More troublesome, there is no solid contact information other then a form to fill out. No email address, phone number or name associated with the site. Being the clever people my co-worker and I are, we looked up the whois information on the site. If you are as interested as we were to who runs the site, you can find out here.

I’m not a religious person, being American I have that choice to make, on my own. Being a grown man in my late 20’s I have had more than enough opportunity to look into several forms of religion and have chose none, as a fellow American, I expect others to respect that choice. Likewise, I respect anyone who has chosen a religion that they feel suits their life, makes them feel complete or gives them the hope that they need. Do not however think that you have the right to force your choices, morals or opinions down my throat, our founding fathers fought for the right to believe in what they wanted to, I respect and honor that. While I do enjoy casual debate about God, religion and other similar subjects among close friends, it is not something I will accept or respect from a total stranger, much less one hiding behind a website that is trying to judge me.

An old friend contacted me through myspace some weeks ago. A friend I have not really seen nor spoken to since junior high, or perhaps even grade school. We were friends through a relatively conservative church setting within which our parents had placed us, and through which we shaped a great deal of our perspectives about the world.

She contacted me from British Columbia (Canada) to invite me to her wedding and after several more communications, to ask me to be her maid of honor. I was absolutely thrilled by the idea and booked a flight directly after my last college final in order to make it there less than 24 hours before the wedding.

About a week later I received the formal invitation in the mail and, upon opening it and scanning its contents I realized� she was marrying a woman.

It seems such unions have very recently been made fully legal in Canada, meaning, same sex partners are entitled to all the same benefits, taxes, laws, shared health care, etc. etc. as opposite sex partners, legal equality, regardless of one�s sexual preference. This was interesting enough in itself, but my true fascination lay with her and her experiences because of this marriage and our shared religious history.

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The “My Sweet Lord” exhibition was shut down due to massive complaints. The show was set to be displayed during Holy Week.

What is so unique about this particuliar Jesus sculpture? He is made of 200 pounds of milk chocolate. Furthermore, unlike many of the sculptures of Jesus, he is displayed without a loincloth. Making the Son of God naked. The chocolate figure is six feet in length and features outstretched arms.

But word of the confectionery Christ infuriated Catholics, including Egan, who described it as “a sickening display.” Bill Donohue, head of the watchdog Catholic League, said it was “one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever.”

Angry phone calls, death threats and emails were said to be sent to the artist, Cosimo Cavallaro. The artist is best known for his artwork using food.

The hotel claimed that in fear of their own safety they decided to cancel the show.

To see actual chocolates that can fit into an Easter basket go to Religious Chocolates.

Source: USA Today

I got an invite a few days ago from Jesus to be friends on Myspace. Without taking time to check out His profile, I denied the request. As I drove through the fog on my way to work, I wondered if I had made a deadly mistake. What if this was truly His way of reaching out to the world? What if I am the medium through which He will finally return again to greet the masses? Could it be that, via a social networking site known best for stalking ex-lovers and posting embarrassing photos of friends, Jesus was making his triumphant return?

“Forget the masses,” I thought to myself as I pulled into the parking garage. I don’t have a ton of faith in humanity as it is; the important question here was “What does this mean to Andy.” After referring to myself aloud in third person, I pondered if my actions that morning had sealed my fate. How would I explain what I had done?

“My dear child. Welcome to heaven, where eternal peace and happiness await all who enter.”

“Thank you, keeper of the gates of Heaven. It truly is an honor to be standing here before thee,” I’d say while secretly wondering if sinful pleasures such as masturbation are allowed within the hallowed gates.

“Andrew, it fills my heart with great sadness to inform you that I cannot let you enter at this time.”

My mind would race: It is because of the cat I skinned when I was 8? Was it that double-anal scene I did in college to help pay for tuition? How was I supposed to know you weren’t supposed to jerk-off to the Golden Girls?

“My child, I must decline your entry into Heaven for, while you were more than happy to add ‘69GoatFucker’ to your Myspace, you declined the friendship of the Lord and therefore, have declined all that is holy.”

As my body passed through infinite space, quickly falling into the arms of hell, I’d wish I could turn back time and hit the “accept” button. Choose your friends wisely and be careful who you decline to be a friend.

The city I live in has many old graveyards speckled within it, some are 4 city blocks big nestled inside tight communities. These graveyards have been full for more then 100 years; walking around or through them it is hard to find any headstones with a date of passing even in the 1920s, most are much older. To me, this is somewhat of a waste; to others it is a very sore subject.

Signs are posted on around most of the graveyards in the city that it is not a public pissing ground for dogs, however its hard to drive pass at anytime during the day and not see a dog owner standing by while his or her dog drops a deuce.

When was the last time you visited your grandparents� grave? When was the last time your parents visited their grandparents� grave? How much does a marker in the ground really mean after 2 generations?

I don�t have a solid answer as to what should be done; I�m not an overly religious person either and do belive that everyone has the right to belive what they want and respect his or her decisions, but I am still baffled. Baffled by this wasted land that empty beer bottles end up in, dogs use for a place to go potty and if left to become overgrown, become eye sores in the community. Digging up and disposing of the coffins is not a viable answer, at least I don�t think it is, so what else can be done?

We as humans have created more waste in the last 150 years then just about any other time frame in the history of walking man. We recycle nearly everything these days, cars are more fuel efficient and emit less harmful gases into the ozone yet we still allow someone who has existed a few decades to take up several square feet of land forever.

Freedom of speech, one of the most valued parts of being an American citizen, is often at odds with itself. In order to fully give freedom of speech, one needs to accept the entire negative that may come along with it, and the ability to defend such negativity in order to get all of the positive things that it protects.

The UK is slightly different with its laws, but they are still very westernized, all with the exception of an Islamic school.

The principal of an Islamic school has admitted that it uses textbooks which describe Jews as “apes” and Christians as “pigs” and has refused to withdraw them.

Again, one needs to accept the bad with the good, but for moldable young minds, it is often in how you present this information to them.

These books have good chapters that can be used by the teachers. It depends on the objectives the teacher wants to achieve.

Religion is a fierce topic in public schools, here in the US and on the other side of the pond in the UK, walking a fine line especially in tight knit communities. Out and out name-calling, or as it could appear to be, to children and young adults could lead to preconceived notations later in life.