Randomn3ss

Yesterday Elizabeth wrote 10 Things men should always do. There are some insightful things in there that, at least for me, should be common knowledge, but I’m sure someone will find them useful. There is always a flip side to the coin. Like Elizabeth, I’m in my 20’s, OK late 20’s, single and get some attention from women. I am grown up enough to admit that I am far from perfect and am aware of changes I need to make to myself, however women also need to pay attention to. In direct rebuttal to Elizabeth’s top 10, my 10 are:

1. Give us an honest hug. Elizabeth and a commenter complained about a limp handshake from men. The women version is the bend at waist, keeping feet two feet from a man while giving them a hug hello or a hug goodbye. That is a fine thing to do if it’s a family member or friend, but if it’s a date, lean in and hug us we actually do like it.
2. Tell us what you like. I’ll happily bring you something but I need to know what you are interested in. Flowers are nice, but it’s also an easy out. Going out on a limb here, us men are kind of dumb, don’t always hint around to what you like and don’t like, sometimes you need to creatively tell us outright. If we are too stupid to listen and remember, shame on us.
3. Be OK with a lunch date. I have no problem paying for a meal when we go out, but be open to the idea of a lunch date as a first or second date, not the five star restaurants you have been dying to go to. Why? Because if we don’t gel well, not only am I not going to be excited to spend a few hundred on dinner, I’m stuck with you throughout the whole two or more hours that we will be there. Lunch dates are great because they have virtually no impact on a wallet and if things don’t go well, you can bounce in 45 minutes. If the date does go well, sit and drink coffee with me and let the discussions flow.
4. Say thank you when I open the door. My Mother who not only taught me how to open doors for others but to also say please and thank you raised me. If I open the door for you, please have the courtesy to look me in the eyes as you walk past, say thank you or at least nod your head in acknowledgment of my gesture towards you.
5. Reach over and unlock my door. This doesn’t apply to everyone, but my car doesn’t have power locks. If I unlock your door and open it for you, by the time I get around to my side I’d at least expect you to lean over and unlock my door for me. This was called the girlfriend test in a movie I think it still applies.
6. Don’t hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes. As much as I understand that a phone should not be answered during dinner, movie, first dozen dates, don’t disappear to the bathroom for twenty minutes to call your girlfriend and give them updates as the date is progressing. If you are not having a good time, skip dessert and go home, it’s that simple.
7. Have condoms. Everyone should have them, not just me.
8. Have something non-alcoholic to drink at your house. I don’t drink alcohol and don’t assume that I do. Don’t get bombed either, very unattractive.
9. My dog will love you regardless; don’t forget to pay attention to me. Like Elizabeth, I have a small dog that is really sweet and sleeps in bed with me. She will love you no matter what and will want to play with you all day, everyday. I’m fine with that, but don’t spend so much time on her that you forget I’m there too. We come as a package, lol.
10. Pickup the phone and call. I’m a self-admitted texting fiend however I do enjoy the sound of a woman’s voice. Certain tones, sarcasm and jokes don’t get translated well through texting, so call me. If for some reason I can’t answer, leave a message.

I just want to get along, like Elizabeth, some of this is a wish list and some is advice, not all of it is applicable to all women and not everything about dating is clear cut black and white, right or wrong. But if you go an extra step to find out a few things about me and share some things about you, we will be much happier together.

You may think what I’m about to write here is asking a lot, but I don’t think so. Let me preface this by saying that I’m 25 and while having had a good number of fulfilling and healthy relationships in my life, I’m currently single. However I’m not lacking the attention of men by any means. I think that at this point in my life that it has a little more to do with quality versus quantity. Maybe I’m picky, maybe I’m fickle, but the following are just a few things that I think EVERY man should pay attention to:

1. Have a good handshake. There’s not much worse than your first impression of a guy being that of a limp fish. There’s just not.
2. Bring me something. I don’t need you to have a dozen roses for me every time you see me. I don’t really even like roses. But the first time we meet for a date or the first time I make you dinner at my house, bring something. It doesn’t have to be expensive, girls like little things that don’t cost a lot of money because it shows you are thinking of them.
3. Pay for dinner. This one generally applies to first dates. I will fight you for the bill a little because I am an adult, I make my own money and I generally try to be kind and thoughtful. This does not mean, however, that if you allow me to go dutch with you that I think any better of you. Quite the contrary. Any guy that immediately gives in to my “Can I help you pay for that?” on a first date, I will think twice about.
4. Hold the door. I’m a lady. Always hold the door for a lady. Just do it.
5. Don’t always open the car door. It’s cute for say, the beginning of the first date. Maybe if I was pregnant (hopefully we aren’t on our first date at the time) or if my hands are full… but I would do the same for you. Other than that, I’d rather you get in, start the car and ask me if I’m hot or cold.
6. Don’t answer your phone during dinner (and/or during any other intimate situations). This also means no texting as well. Being on your phone during dinner is just rude. It tells a woman that you aren’t interested at her, you’re more interested in looking at what time it is or whatever. Wear a watch. It’s understandable to be more easy going when you’ve been seeing someone for a while, but not during a nice dinner and especially not on a first date. And don’t try to hide it under the table either.
7. Have condoms. No, this doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with you on our first date. Or third, or tenth. However, if you are lucky enough to get a girl into the sack, you had better be prepared.
8. Know how to open a bottle of wine. Please see #7. Just kidding. I can go for a beer every once in a while, but I also love a glass of wine after work. Its nice to come home to a man that can open the bottle while I take my shoes off. Plus I’m a grown up. Kegs just aren’t as much of a turn on as they used to be.
9. Be nice to my dog. You know, it says a lot about a person when they are nice to animals. My dog is very sweet and small, he isn’t going to bite you if you don’t act like an ass. Be nice to him. Especially when he is sleeping in my bed and you’re not.
10. Keep in touch. It’s nice to hear from you every once in a while. I don’t need someone up my ass but please don’t play games with me. I don’t think you are any cooler because you wait an extra day to call me back.

Maybe it’s a wish list, a little advice to the guys out there who are wondering what they are doing wrong… or what they’re not doing. I’m as much an independent and self-reliant woman as the next, but I like men that act like men. No, I’m not going to stop talking to you because you don’t bring me flowers on our first date. I’m simply saying that a little chivalry can go a long way. It’s surprising how these small things make a difference, and I guarantee that you will get it back tenfold.

Got anything to add?

I’ve recently had the pleasure of pursuit of several wonderful young men who have eschewed all logic and decided that maybe they would like to get to know me better.  On an intimate level.  Learn my hopes and dreams and maybe see my boobs.  Basically, I’ve been asked out on some dates.  Yes - me.  Despite my first reaction, which is “if they want to date me, they must be insane, say no,” I’ve allowed my ego and lust to get the better of me and I’ve said yes.  Things go well for about 2.5 seconds and then…

Clusterfuck.

I think I’ve pinpointed some reasons for why my dating life lasts about 2 dinners and a makeout session then ends abruptly.  Here’s my genius interpretation:

My first problem is that I don’t have time for anything.  I work pretty much all the time.  I spend 40 hrs a week schilling sporting goods in the city, bartend, and get paid to recap TV shows (so that’s an hour to watch the episode and an hour to write the recap).  On my days off, I trek home to Allentown to see my family (who, incidentally, will always come first), do laundry, run… basically, I get all the shit done that my normal work day doesn’t allow me to do.  I’m always down to hang out, but not necessarily at the expense of getting shit done. 

This leads to my next issue, which has something to do with my priorities.  I’ve always said that if you want to do something badly enough, you make time.  I guess I don’t want to date because I’m not making the time, but my friends, family, and work are coming first right now.  With this impending move to Colorado in August, I’m even more attuned to the fact that Philly will no longer be my home.  I mean, until last night, I hadn’t seen my friend Jackie in almost a year and she lives 45 goddamn minutes away.  So once I’m nestled in the mountains across the country, I’m pretty much never going to see her.  Making up for lost time in these 5 months is more important than sharing awkward silence and playing kissyface with someone who might decide that my lack of a filter is unattractive after 4 dates. 

So does the failure to make time and re-prioritize the position of my romantic life signal to some underlying self-destructive desire to be single?  Yeah, I don’t know about that so much.  I think I’ve been single for so long that it’s comfortable.  I have a routine that doesn’t revolve around anyone else’s satisfaction other than my own.  I’ve become selfish in this time, but it’s served to provide success to some extent.  I finally got into grad school, am fit and running, have amazing friends and a bangin’ social life.  Maybe I’m also not ready to share this with someone else because it’s something that’s ultimately mine.

Alright, I’m getting harassed by my family to rejoin in the Easter festivities.  Yeah, it’s Easter, what better day to be concerned about my sex life.  In the meantime, I think I’m going to stick to what I know best, and that’s me.  And if Mr. Baseball, Bboy, and Band-aid can’t deal with that, then it’s not meant to be.  And I’m also going to Jack Daniels the Carrie Bradshaw out of me.  Ugh.

Breaking up sucks.  Period.  However, my last one was especially traumatic because the whole thing really ended before it had a chance to begin.  And because I was generally shocked (man, that is the worst - when you don’t really see it coming).  Anyway, the backstory is unimportant, it’s one sentence of the conversation that sticks in my head despite getting dumped a month ago.  Here it is:

“So, what does the next phone call sound like?”

What does it sound like?  Really?  You want to know now what the next call’s going to sound like?  Perceptive though I may be, you want me to hypothesize on my reaction the next time you call me?  First, it’s going to be you calling me because I’ve deleted your number from my cell phone.  Second, there’s no guarentee that I would even pick up (although then I run the risk of you leaving some assinine message that I’ll inevitably have to suffer through to delete).  Third… ugh, there is no third… what was going to be a blog about hypothetical phone call conversations between two former friends and lovers is slowly devolving because that Alicia Keys song came on my iTunes and now I’m just sad.

The next call sounds like silence. 

Today is Blog Action Day! A day where fourteen thousand blogs will discuss one issue by trying to make an impact on 15 million readers. The topic? Environmentalism.

I feel that a lot of people don’t know what “going green” means. According to Wikipedia it means

…a concern for the preservation, restoration, or improvement of the natural enviroment, such as the conservation of natural resources, prevention of pollution, and certain land use actions.

The concern I feel most people have is where to begin. There are plenty of simple tips to get yourself started. Every little bit counts whether its taking less time in the shower or changing your light bulbs. A few examples can be found right here on Randomn3ss, “Going More Green“, by Lauren. Or rent the infamous movie by Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth.

However, I digress. My topic is about sex. Now I can imagine the puzzled looks on everyone’s faces. Yes, I wondered myself how anyone can green up their sex life. Well, it can be done. Let’s explore it further.

I got these tips from Treehugger, a website that has a plethora of environmental topics.

1. Sex Toys - Most sex toys contain chemicals called phthalates, a threatening chemical that’s been banned in children’s toys since 2004. It is especially said to be dangerous in sex toys because of the warm and moist places they are deposited in. So, instead of purchasing a unsafe toy it’s suggested to buy a more natural companion. Trying out a toy made of glass, metal, silicone, hard plastics, or elastomers is a safe bet. Instead of wasting batteries look for a rechargeable toy. Fun Factory is a neat place where you’ll find Lily, Lelo & Acuvibe.
2. Lubricant - Looking at the labels helps choosing a more natural lubricant. Avoid using any petroleum (save the fossil fuels), artificial scents, flavors and colors. A good choice is Babeland’s water based lubricant.
3. Condoms - The phrase, “reduce, reuse and recycle” is an angelic symphony to any environmentalists ears. However, this does not apply to condoms. We all know that a baby free environment means using a safe and reliable form of protection. Nothing beats the good ol’ latex condom. However, they are still determining whether or not a latex condom is biodegradable. For a biodegradable option lambskin is an option to protect against conception not STDs. For vegetarians (like me) and vegans a good source is Glyde condoms. Any condom that is polyurethane is not biodegradable so try and stay away from them. Another excellent tip is not to dispose condoms down the toilet, it will clog the pipes, treatment plants and rivers.
4. Green Date - Homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual and asexual are terms we’ve heard of to describe one’s orientation or style. What about ecosexual? They exist and in large numbers. If you’re looking for a companion that doesn’t chomp on animals, recycles and uses organic toothpaste you can find a match on Green Singles, Green Passions and Human 2 Human.
5. Dress Eco Sexy - Looking and feeling sexy can make for some naughty antics. Why not save the environment while you’re at it? There are products for men and women. Peau Ethique has some cute and comfortable undergarments along with Bueno Style, Butta and Green Knickers. My ultimate favorite is Enamore which has gorgeous, sexy clothes and lingerie.

I will probably get my man friend in trouble for writing this. However, I haven’t learned my lesson from getting fired and I’m going to write it anyway.

I am PISSED OFF at the United States Army. Let me tell you why.

My former boyfriend, John, has been in the shithole known as Tikrit, Iraq for over a year. He was supposed to come home in July after 12 months, but because we’ve allowed our government to run rampant because we hate Arabs, his tour got extended to 15 months. And let me tell you something about Tikrit… no one goes there. Politicians visit the Green Zone in Baghdad and all that shit, but they don’t take the road north because… well, because odds are good that they’ll get blown up. I have a friend who works for Senator Bob Casey, who just visited Iraq and Jordan. I asked if the Senator ended up going to Tikrit, to which my friend responded in the negative. I commented that it was probably too dangerous a place for a US Senator, to which his girlfriend replied “Oh, well, they always have lots of security when they travel over there, so he would have been fine.” She’s sweet and means well, but is naive… if bodyguards were enough to ensure safety, why have we lost over 3000 men to this endless war? An IED is an IED, and it will blow the shit out of you.

The kicker to all of this is that I recently found out that the grand homecoming party John’s family and I have been looking forward to will not be happening. This is because the US Army doesn’t allow its soldiers to, you know, take a fucking break after they return. John’s family gets 72 hours to visit with him at Fort Bragg when he gets home, then has to wait until Christmas when he gets a two-week leave. Now, I understand that the Army is concerned for its soldiers’ mental health and wellbeing (as they should be), but… 72 hours? Can’t they hang at the base for a while, under observation, then maybe get a couple weeks off at home? I mean… I realize the guys sign up for this… I’m not disputing that fact… but don’t they deserve to see their families… and former girlfriends… after 15 months in hell?

I thought they did.

The following article was submitted to me by someone who wishes to remain anonymous. They sent this to me via the contact page, and I will be respecting their request to keep it author free. This option is open to anyone who would like to write an article but be kept under a veil of secrecy. The article is:

I’m sitting at the public library the other day and eavesdropping, as is my nature. It wouldn’t be so pathetic if I wasn’t listening to two ten year olds talk. I digress. I will give them fake names, which is easy because I never caught their names. Sean shares some factual information with Brian. Brian inquires as to where Sean got his information. Sean says simply, from my internet girlfriend. Brain replies, you should never have an internet girlfriend. Sean seems a little upset and crumples up his freckled face, why not? Brain, with all the wisdom of his ten years responds because you never know if it’s a ten yr old girl or a 45 year old man. I burst into laughter, mainly because he’s right. Do not get me wrong, pedophiles’ preying on young kids makes me ill to the very core. What made me laugh is that this ten year old had more insight into the internet dating scene than most people twice his age.

I will be the first to admit I have made the mistake of meeting someone on line. You get sick and tired of meeting people at bars and waiting to meet people “naturally” - so you figure why not. While I gave up on this a long time ago, I figured I would share with you a few guidelines while surfing the net, in particular, MySpace, for a prospective partner.

1. Do not believe the people who tell you that their status says in a relationship simply to ward off would be stalkers. They probably have a significant other or at the very least, some loose ends.
2. The relationship status is listed as Swinger. While this has become the cool thing to have on your page, 99.9% of the people who post it do not even know what a swinger is. Research the term and discuss this with your potential date.
3. When someone leaves out the smoker/drinker slot, this is more often than not because they are either an active addict or one in recovery. Be aware.
4. Income. Almost everyone lies and quite frankly it’s distasteful to share your salary with others.
5. Anyone who claims they hate drama and want nothing to do with it is lying. Those are the ones who thrive on it most.
6. If a guys’ top friends are all clad in thongs or bikinis, the chances are he is a pig.
7. If the person has over 200 friends and only uses MySpace for social purposes, he/she is what I call a collector. Collectors like to add as many people as they can so they will look cool. Insecurity abounds.
8. If a girls profile is high maintenance, so is she.
9. If there are pictures of children posted on their page you had better find out quick who those children belong to.
10. Last but not least, please make sure you have seen recent photos of the person and that these photos are not just head shots. Even angle shots can fool you.

The anonymous writer has given a great set of guidelines for singles looking for their partner online. Take them as just that though, a guideline, they are not set in stone rules. I too have met a few people in real life from the internet, albeit they are usually a friend of someone that I know already in real life. A few of my own tips to add onto these 10 are:

• Have conversations on the phone with the person you plan on meeting. Spend some time to find out what they are like, how they are with words, if you will even have anything to talk about. Do actually dial the phone and avoid text messaging to start.
• Don’t disclose your exact daily schedule. Worst case scenario, the person with whom you are speaking has bad intentions, whether against you directly or just to rob you. Don’t let them know what time you leave for work in the morning, when you come home, when you are the gym, etc. This will give them an open opportunity to learn your schedule.
• Meet in public. One of the best pieces of advice given to me when I started to shoot photography with models was to invite them to meet for an afternoon coffee at a local shop. The great thing about meeting for coffee is, if it is boring and you don’t like the person, you are only out a few bucks for the drink and 15-30 minutes of time. If you do like the person, nothing is more in fashion now than sitting at a nice coffee joint and sipping away for hours. Additionally, meeting in public is always a good idea.
• Meet with a group of friends. There is nothing wrong with you taking a friend or five along with you. Besides, if you are interested in dating this person it is probably a good idea that they get along with your friends and your friends along with them. This again will add to everyone’s safety.

In regards to number 7 from the anonymous writer and the collectors comment, I don’t really think that holds true. I have close to 400 friends on MySpace page and it grows weekly. There are a lot of artists, photographers, bloggers, bands, DJs, etc. that I have on my friends list because it is the easiest way to stay in touch with them and see what’s up with their new releases, featured tracks, new art, etc. Take a look at who they have added before you jump to any conclusions based solely on numbers.

To sum this up, use your head. Don’t plan the next 50 years of your life based on some profile that someone wrote. I refuse to skin my MySpace page or put much more thought / effort into making it look more appealing. For me, I use the site as a way to stay connected to friends and people whose work I enjoy, and to promote this blog.