Randomn3ss

Scott Kerkmans has landed the position as the Chief Beer Officer at The Four Points by Sheraton hotels chain. Yes, it’s the world’s first known CBO.

Before you get too excited and start searching for CBO positions, take note: Kerkmans doesn’t earn a salary. Could be a problem, but he does get 50,000 Starwood points, the Sheraton’s preferred guest program, and expense-paid trips to breweries. And perhaps the best part: Beer will be delivered to his door every three months.

Kerkmans got a job in the industry as soon as he could legally drink, and he was a brewer at an award-winning brewery. At twenty-eight years of age, he beat out nearly 8,000 candidates.

He does his beer tasting in the morning, as that’s when the taste buds are supposedly most sensitive. He also gets to host beer tasting dinners and travel the country.

Sounds like a job a true beer lover could love.

Alright, people listen up. First off, I’m not going the politically-correct route and using the term “holidays” because 1) no one shopping for Kwaanza has pissed me off lately and 2) I really don’t care. This isn’t a blog about proper “holiday” terminology. It’s a rant about how Christmas turns people in crazy, raving motherfuckers and you should all burn in hell.

Yeah… it’s one of those days.

I work in retail. It’s not the most glamorous job in the world, but it pays the bills (kind of) and it’s what I gotta do at the moment (my college degree is collecting dust in the other room). This means I don’t have a choice to be in the shopping center, so if you could not be an asshole and nearly sideswipe me trying to steal my parking spot, that would be great. And, no, I’m not going to steal your spot so stop waving like a lunatic and just let me pass you. Seriously, stop waving and let me pass so I can run my car into a brick wall and end my misery.

Don’t come into my store and expect me to shop for you. I’m here to guide you and answer your questions about product tech. I’ll help you find whatever you need, but I don’t know if your kid will like the Sand Uggs or the Chestnut Uggs better. You should maybe pull yourself out of your Xanax haze to talk to them once in a while and see what they’re into. Plus, we don’t have them in size 6. No, I do not find that to be a problem, you should have bought them before the rush. No, I cannot pull them out of my ass. I can give you the waist-size equivalents in inches for pants, but I don’t know if your husband will look good in them. He doesn’t wear clothes while we’re banging, so I wouldn’t know. And please stop acting like you know anything about winter running or outerwear technology and just fucking let me tell you what you need. If you knew anything, you wouldn’t be trying on the fucking thinnest (and cheapest) fleece in the store and ask if it’s “really warm.” And what the fuck, how warm do you need your shit to be? You live in goddamn Pennsylvania, you don’t ski, and you don’t enjoy activity so throw on a sweater and get the pretty coat. If you just want to look good and don’t need tech info, find a color you like and leave me to deal with people who actually care about what they are spending their money on.

Shut the fuck up and let me do my job. If you know how to do a return, ring a giftcard, postvoid (all while juggling grapefruits and baking cookies, simultaneously, yes), then you pop your privileged ass behind the register so I can take a piss break. Or, you know, you could be a completely evil and angry person and announce loudly that you’re astounded that any company would let me be a manager. And then you could call me stupid and unhelpful and make me cry. Yeah - I cried. And you know what? YOU LOOKED LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE. A COMPLETE ASSHOLE WITH A BRATTY CHILD YOU DON’T LOVE BUT A $4000 PURSE THAT YOU DO. And you’re not an extra-small… not naturally, anyway, you Botox-faced, unintelligent, bad mother evil fucking bitch. Kill yourself.

From now on, I’m crying immediately. All the time. It’s the only fucking thing that makes people consider you human and that their actions may be out of line. Crying… not the birth of the Christian God, or the fact that now is a time for generosity and kindness, or the time to start anew. No - you would need to have a soul to have any of those things touch your life.

Fortunately what you lack in a soul, you make up for in a black AmEx.

Merry Fucking Christmas, you miserable motherfuckers.

Now that I’m (kind of) an adult, I don’t really get to make a Christmas list anymore. There are fewer presents under the tree and more cards with some cash in them. It’s not that I’m complaining - money is great - but it’s more fun to open gifts than to buy them for yourself. There are a few choice things I would like to see under the tree this year. Sadly, much of what I would like could be filed under “practical and boring” but, being female, I think I can find some frivolous things to throw in there.

Dear Santa:

I was only naughty on a handful of occasions this year, so I think I’m deserving of the items on this list. I mean, the naughty-ness occurred in the company of good friends and was all in the name of fun. If there was any naughty-ness that was not in the name of fun, I was too drunk to remember it so it doesn’t count. I’m pretty broke, so if you could like, pass this on to people who are loaded, that would be great.

1. A humidifier. I’ve had this persistent sinus infection for the past three weeks and I think it’s partially because of how dry the heat is in my apartment (it’s also due to drinking). But, I think this would help. This one is fancy and cute and from The Sharper Image. It’s also $150. Something between this and “cup of water next to the bed” would be stellar.
2. The Led Zeppelin 2-disc retrospective. I’m really into them lately and would love to have it in my music collection. I can’t get “Kashmir” or “Immigrant Song” or “All of My Love” out of my head lately (and I even like some of Robert Plant’s solo stuff). I’ll also take an iTunes giftcard. I’m kind of a music whore.
3. My computer is dying. It’s a six-year-old Toshiba Satellite laptop that has been very good to me, but is definitely in its last days. The CD drive doesn’t work and I’m pretty much out of disk space on my hard drive. Since I blog, I kind of need a computer (and it’s nice to have a portable one at that). I realize that I could get a regular Windows OS laptop for way cheaper, but I am sick of viruses and popups and installing extra programs to prevent the aforementioned. I just want to buy a computer, have all my files transferred, and call it a day. I want a Mac. Not only are they extremely sexy, but they are easy to use and don’t get all funky from rogue programs. I’ve decided on the 15″ MacBook Pro - it has a matte screen (unlike the 13″, which only comes in “glossy” which is damn annoying). However, I am really sad that it doesn’t come in black to match my two iPods and Bose speakers. Yes - color is important to me. Don’t judge.
4. Because you can never go wrong with this gift… but I can’t guarentee it’ll last past New Year’s.
5. A job with health benefits. I don’t think that’s a whole lot to ask for. Right, Santa? And yeah - that’s a picture of Steve Jobs… get it? JOBS?? HA! Also, if he reads this, it might help my case with getting that MacBook.
6. Maynard James Keenan. You don’t need to put him under the tree, just undress him and leave him tied to my bed, please. He can keep his cowboy hat on. Thanks.

---

Consider this more of a rant than an actual how-to article, and possibly a bit one-sided as well since I am a photographer. You need a wedding photographer, you’ve made the decision to get married and you want to remember that day as best you can, for as long as it takes until you get divorced. You have a budget though, so there are things that need to be taken into consideration and places where you need to shave some money out of the budget to pay for more important things, like booze.

What are you to do? You know hiring a professional wedding photographer is going to cost you some serious money, but the photographs they produce will be simply amazing, what other options do you have? Craigslist! Perfect, chances are you can find someone on here for half or maybe even less than a pro and because they probably shoot digital, you’ll still get amazing photographs, let’s work a deal. This is a directly from a Philadelphia listing:

I NEED A PHOTOGRAPHER AT A WEDDING IN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED. SHE NEEDS A PHOTOGRAPHER. IF YOU ARE LOOKING TO HAVE A PORTFOLIO MADE FOR SCHOOL OR SUCH. EXPERIENCE IS NOT NECESSARY BUT YOU MUST BRING SAMPLE PHOTOS OF ANYTHING SO I CAN SEE HOW CLEAR THEY ARE AND HOW PROFESSIONAL THEY LOOK. IF NECESSARY I WILL PROVIDE PHOTO ALBUM AND HELP PURCHASE YOUR FILM AND WHAT NOT. THIS JOB IF FOR THE RIGHT PERSON MUST HAVE GREAT PERSONALITY. I WANT TO HELP YOU BETTER YOURSELF AND YOUR CAREER WHILE YOU HELP ME REMEMBER THIS EVENT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE………..SERIOUS INQUIRES ONLY. YOU WILL BE COMPENSATED FOR THIS AS WELL!!!!!!!! NOTHING IS FREE DON’T EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT. I WILL PAY YOU WHAT YOU ARE WORTH.

I’ll break this down as best I can to show you how wrong this really is.

I need a photographer at a wedding in 2 weeks. Most weddings are planned months in advance, thus, photographers are booked months in advance. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find one, it just means your selection will be drastically reduced to who is available and you may need to pay a premium because of the short notice. You don’t take a package to the post office on Thursday and ask to have it shipped overnight for the same price as regular mail because you forgot to take it in on Monday, do you?

If you are looking to have a portfolio made for school or such. I’m sorry, that doesn’t make sense to me, are you in the print, book, or binding industry?

Experience is not necessary. Fine, you shoot it then!

Must bring sample photos or anything so I can see how clear they are and how professional they look. Wait a minute, you just told me that experience is not necessary, now you want to see how clear they look, whatever that means, and how professional they look? Clearly you must be confused, I know I am.

If necessary I will provide photo album and help purchase your film and what not. Most wedding photographers have access to albums that are not usually available to the general public, if you want something nice and you want it to last, get it from them. I’m not sure of many photographers these days that use film, so that won’t be of much help.

This job if for the right person must have a great personality. And I agree and willing to go out on a limb to say that most wedding photographers enjoy working with people and capturing the moments you have. If they didn’t, they would shoot wildlife or landscapes.

I want to help you better yourself and your career while you help me remember this event for the rest of my life. Thank you so much for your deep concern about my persona life. Shooting your wedding will not help me in any other way than financially though. Unless you are a booking agent or have a dozen friends who are getting married who are not low-balling, cheap bastards, or you are the advertising representative for a magazine or billboard company, how exactly do you plan on helping my career?

Serious inquiries only. For serious?

You will be compensated for this as well!!!!!!!! Wow, 8 exclamation points. You must seriously be willing to compensate me; however you have not listed what your budget is.

Nothing is free, don’t sell yourself short. Again, thank you for this great life lesson.

I will pay you what you are worth. This is somewhat confusing to me. How are you to justify what my worth is, especially if you are looking for someone with little or no experience? Is this to say that you are willing to let them eat at the wedding and that should be compensation enough? Maybe gas money?

Here’s the thing, photography is very much a form of art. It is much more than a wedding album or the cost of film, you are paying for someones talent and time. Looking for an inexpensive way to get a wedding or any event photographed is not a bad thing, hiring students or assistants for the event is completely acceptable as well. That said, an understanding should be made that when you hire someone like this, you need to accept the fact that accidents could happen, you may not get you the best quality images, they may miss critical elements of the event or be slightly out of focus, etc., these things all could happen, it is the price you pay for accepting someone of lesser talent to save some money.

Photography is service; you pay for the talent of the photographer much in the same way you pay for the talent of a chef at a good restaurant. At the restaurant, food is the outcome. With a photographer, prints are the outcome; these trigger memories for all involved. I know of no one who has gone to the grocery store to buy a steak and taken it into a restaurant and asked the chef to make it for them, why would you do this to a photographer?

Don’t tell me how shooting your event will help build my portfolio; chances are I have enough friends and family to shoot for free to help me build a decent portfolio. Let’s not get this twisted and make me feel like you are helping me out, you, the client, are in need of service. Unless you have several friends who are in need of paid photography service or you can grow my business by means of free or cheap advertising, don’t insult me.

Be aware of your timeframe, the less time you have to an event, the less photographers you will have to choose from. Additionally, you may need to pay extra because of the short notice.

Be realistic with your expectations. If you want great, long lasting images, get someone who has been doing this for a while and has an established portfolio and a list of people who have recommended them. If you are on a tighter budget, don’t expect to get the best of the best, realize that there could be some speed bumps along the way.

Although we, as a blogging entity, write about things that are of personal interest, Randomn3ss.com generally isn’t a forum for personal thoughts and feelings. I mean, this isn’t a diary. However, I’m going to divert from the norm and use this space as a forum to send a HUGE BIG THANK YOU to those of you who have been supportive of myself as a writer and Randomn3ss in general over the past couple weeks.

To bring some of you up to speed, I was recently fired from my job for, basically, posting a blog on this site. It has since been taken down because I received a rather threatening comment from a source close to the company that was a blatant and libelous personal attack. Many people, including lawyers, have read my post and considered it innocuous, albeit vitriolic. But that’s not the point - in the state of PA, a private company doesn’t need to give you a reason for releasing you from your job, so there’s really nothing I can do (plus, uh, I don’t really want that job back) . I do plan to repost the original blog on here, with a detailed response, and an outline of blogger’s rights and the true definitions of libel and slander, neither of which apply to my original post (according to law sources and my own research).

In the meantime, I need to thank those of you who have sent emails or come up to me and shown your support for me and the First Amendment. First off - Mike Panic, LO, and all the other contributors to this site - thank you for offering whatever help you could and encouraging me to keep writing. Thank you to the staff at Grape Street, my friends in Stillicide, the regular Thursday night GS/WMMR crew (mostly especially Jaxon, who gave me not only incredibly sound advice & concert tickets, but is like the big brother I never expected, but now am stuck with forever). Thanks to Ryan and everyone at City Sports, especially for getting me hours the SAME DAY that I lost my job. Thanks to Vern and the crew at Origivation Magazine, who have welcomed me on staff and support the cause of Freedom of Speech.

Most of all, thanks to my mom who has been cool as hell and assured me that things happen for a reason and she’s not disappointed in me. I mean, I guess if you have to be a “martyr” for something, why not for the freedom to say what you want? It’s one of the foundations of this country and a freedom that is too often squashed domestically (although we pretend to fight for it abroad). I’m a firm believer that you don’t have to agree with someone’s statements, but you have to respect their right to make them. Thank you to those of you who understand that and who keep on fighting the good fight.

Blogging for me is like a part time job. Between this site and the other blog I run, around one to two hours per day is vested in maintaining them. This time includes:

• Writing the actual articles
• Research for new articles
• Reading several dozen blogs, commenting where I can and getting ideas for new articles
• Answering reader submitted questions
• Promotion of articles
• Working on larger articles, sometimes writing one large article doesn’t happen at one sit down.

The time I invest directly relates to how successful my blogs are, but blogging for me is just a model that can be applied to anyone who does freelance work from graphic design work to computer maintenance. Freelance Switched published 46 Must-Read Productivity Tips for Freelancers, I�ve pulled four of my favorite from the list to share:

• List 3-5 things you will do the next day. My homepage, as mentioned several times before is iGoogle, if you haven�t played around with it, try, it’s worth it. On it, I’ve installed the Web Stickies module, it acts like a post-it note that is somewhat transparent and can be placed on top of any part of iGoogle. If I’m online (which I usually am) and an idea hits me for an article but I don’t have the time to write the full article, I’ll add the idea to the sticky note. Later when I do have time, I reference that for what articles to write next. At any given time there are 3-10 items listed.
• Get your inbox to zero. This is a big one for me. Something about having 200 unread messages and 40 read messages in my inbox annoys me. Spend an evening or a lazy Sunday afternoon to go through and reply to those you need to, delete what you don’t need and archive important emails. Make sure your spam filter is working properly and check the spam (or junk) folder often just in case something slips though that isn’t supposed to. Having an empty inbox is like having a clean house, it just feels right
• Learn to check email just twice a day. I can’t do this, personal or for my daytime job. Email is one of the biggest time wasters though. Just because an email comes doesn’t mean you need to reply to it right away. This rule for me is bendable though, as I’m often awaiting a response from someone about an article or a subscribed website email comes through that may have a link to a new article idea for me in it. When I’m writing, as I am now, I won�t check my email. I’ve also ignored my phone and text messages, it is too distracting.
• Learn to say no. There is an old saying that goes something like, Would you rather make 50 cents from one job per day or have 2 jobs that pays 75 cents each� If you can only handle one job per day, perhaps you should just look at raising your rates and not taking on the extra headache of the second job. Learn to budget your time and find the proper value of it. It is a very fine line between selling yourself short and overbooking time so you become run down and worn out.

For me, one of the biggest problems I have with doing freelance work is self motivation. In my situation, I am writing for my own site, no one else. This means there is no set deadline for any given project. I do have a rubber goal right now to get at least 5 unique articles on Randomn3ss per week, in addition to what the other staff adds. Over the next 6 months I want to triple that. My tip for staying productive is to get off on the right foot. I’ve already given you 10 tips to starting your day right, here is another geared more towards freelancers, in my case this is what I do on weekends.

Get up and get showered right away. For me, rolling out of bed sucks, I hate to do it. Nothing about the whole waking up process is enjoyable for me, but after taking the dog for a walk I’ll hop in the shower. Something about a shower not only wakes me up, it makes me feel like the day has started and it’s time to be productive. This may be partly due to the fact that my week-days start in this manor, but doing it on a weekend and then writing for the first hour or so of the day makes it a lot easier for me then dragging my tired ass to the computer and rubbing the sleep from my eyes while squinting at the monitor for a half an hour as my body wakes up.

In a bid to earn the right to bear the nickname “Pennsyl-tucky,” the commonwealth of Pennsylvania closed today because it forgot that you need money to do things.  Namely, things that require 24,000 employees to help run, oh you know, a little thing called THE STATE.

[insert heavy sigh - and link - here]

I’m hoping that this temporary shutdown includes the Bureau of Compliance in the PA Dept of Revenue, which is currently investigating the purchase of my car from my great Aunt (it was a gift, you don’t need to pay taxes on a gift… unless the gift is worth $8000, apparently.  Oops).  The temporary closure does include the DMV, which gives me yet another day to procrastinate on renewing my license/put finishing touches on crazy outfit for my new license photo.  This would also explain why I was stuck for 90 minutes on a one-lane Route 81 South last night despite there being no construction workers around. 

Thankfully, the prisons and casinos remain open [insert “Dueling Banjos” theme from Deliverance here].  Wind storms from the collective sigh of relief should be expected to sweep across New Jersey.

It seems kind of ridiculous that PA has a surplus and simply isn’t spending it because of government gridlock (the governor is a soulless Democrat; the state Senate, even more soulless Republicans).  I mean, even I, with all my complex needs, can make a budget.  It goes something like this:

Rent = $635.50; Car insurance = $230; Jack Daniels = $45; cheesesteak (2xweek) = $12; energy drinks = $10/week.  It’s really easy.  Seriously.  Ed Rendell could learn something from me.

Source: MSNBC.com

Google is the #1 place to work according to this 2007 CNN article, and the reasons are pretty great. This assumes you can get in the front door. According to this blog, Google receives upwards of 1 million job applications per year and rejects 99.5% of them

Sadly, you face better odds of getting hemorrhoids then you do getting hired by Google.