Entries from: June 2009

iPhone App Review: hExistentialism

There’s thousands of applications for iPhones that for the most part I think are useless and a waste of time. With the exception of me checking my Facebook and Myspace, of course.


However, I did discover a great puzzle game, hExistentalism, for the price of $2.99. It’s certainly more complex than Bejeweled or Mahjong. In fact, it’s quite addicting. I’m a huge fan of logic and this is perfect. Although the graphic may not be up to Halo 3 standards it doesn’t take away from the game itself.

60 days and counting

As I officially reach two months of sobriety a sense of accomplishment and bedwilderment wash over me.

Although I knew I would reach two months of sobriety it is still somewhat shocking to me. I think back to what life was like two or even six months ago. It seems like ages ago but most of all I wonder how could I handle all of that now? The things I used to put myself through does not seem plausible nowadays.

We are all creatures of habit. Some of our routines are not easy to break and take a very long time to revise oneself. Our whole lives we try to determine what will make us happy. Although we may have what seems like a great “comfort zone” it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what’s healthy and/or right for us. One of my favorite quotes by a great writer is, “Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable,” by Franz Kafka. I am by no means on a throne but when I look upon others lives including friends I hope that one day they discover what is right rather than the norm.

We do have a way of molding ourselves out of balls of wax. While we do shapeshift every once in awhile adjusting to new environments essentially we are still the same people as we were before. It’s a matter of a balancing act. If you put too many lemons in the lemonade it will come out with a bitter taste. If you do the right amount it will be balanced, sweet and tangy.

A majority of people just sit and watch from the comfort of their couches, chairs, desks or cars. There are few who do something to make a change. Whether it be something as becoming sober for a few months or seeking answers to life or just exploring what makes someone happy. I think we all need a point in our life where we decide to change instead of watching our life pass us by.

These days have not been easy. Truthfully, as I get closer to my three month mark it has been more difficult to stay sober especially with stress. The things that keep me going is determination, strength and the impact I have had on others. It also helps that I do not wake up with an uneasy feeling in my stomach wanting to keel over and die.

Stop to smell the roses, damnit

I admit right here in front of thousands (possibly billions) of people that I am in fact crazy. There, I said it. My mom has told me. My friends have told me. Hell, I’ve had exes tell me.

Growing up I was primed for a degree. I was taught how to make pleats in my plaid Catholic school girl skirt, how to pray to God and that abstinence was the best practice. At 25, the only thing I remember is how to make those pleats stick.  I think I’m supposed to be a doctor or something like that by now. But, I am not. I haven’t stepped foot in a college classroom in a couple of years and in reality, I don’t plan to for awhile. I moved 838.5 miles away from my family and friends. I have eleven tattoos, facial piercings, dyed my hair ridiculous colors. And you know what? I’ve done drugs.

Sure, that’s to be expected at some point in any individuals life but I am not on a straight path. I should have been done with college three years ago. I probably should be in a stable loving relationship for a few years by now. I shouldn’t be working two jobs to survive and my whole body should not be covered in tattoos.

I pictured my twentysomethings different than this. More settled, I’d say. Grounded and less like my head is in the clouds. A lot less like a soap opera composed of one unfortunate event after another. I shouldn’t complain, really, I have my life and a roof over my head. I have a handful of trusted and funny (for the worse of times) friends. I still have my mom telling me she loves me. And my brain, mostly, is intact.

Why such disdain for my life? Ok, I confess, life is good. In fact the past several weeks of my life have been incredible.

However, these high expectations were instilled in me a very long time ago. The only one to blame is me, the battle royale between myself has been bloody throughout the years. They say your worse critic is yourself and believe me, it has been.

In the next few months I am going to be mapping out my five year plan. Goals that are geared towards what makes me happy. Desires that allow me to travel, finish school, produce art, hang around kids, get more tattoos, see my family, witness great music, explore and learn more at a feasible rate. Nonetheless, goals that are vital to my survival. This doesn’t mean I will be aiming to become a doctor because that is something I do not want to become. But it means that my ass is getting into gear. Instead of being indecisive about my future, it’s time to put an anchor on me.

So far I have planned near future goals. Get a new tattoo. Attend Sasquatch. Visit home. Photograph only using film. Run at least three times a week. Decide where I will be living in September.

Not really much but I’ve been discovering that it truly is the small things that count. I haven’t been taking the time to enjoy those small moments. Like when you stop to watch the rainfall. Or witness a child smiling. Those are the things I’ve been missing out on.

Take it or leave it but I say to you, stop to smell the roses and you will find your raison d’être.


The road to happiness

As I cuddled up with my blankets for about the sixth movie of the weekend, I let out a sigh of relief. One because I was eating Slow Churned Cookie Dough ice cream. Two and most importantly, because I didn’t have to share it with anyone. While I was still getting used to the idea of not sharing a bed with someone, I was content. Most dire to me, I was not panicking.

Don’t get me wrong. I was by no means a raging addict. I did not belong in a Sex or Alcohol Anonymous Program.  (My alcohol intake was quite a bit but not to the extent that it was damaging my life. My liver, however, would beg to differ.)

What has been unnerving me the most this past week is my “dependency” in seeking the opposite sex’s attraction not in my other vices. The most baffling to me is that I have not been in a solid relationship for a long time and I have lived on my own for several months. There was no question that I could in fact survive on my own. I have entertained myself with myself for days on end. So, why the current need to have a warm body next to me? Is it because it’s winter? Is it because it’s close to Valentine’s Day?
I thought about the answer all week and what it comes down to really is the acquisition of my self esteem. Rather my lack of tenacity in seeking it recently. How did I let myself become a part of someone else? Their identity? Their praise?  Sure, at one point or another we all identify with our significant other. It’s the point where the lines blur and we start to share similar traits and interests.
I have become a different person in my own body. I have the same legs, eyes, hair, everything but I am a stranger to myself.

How did this all begin?

Media? Childhood? Relationships? It is all of them. I started to really channel myself into what happened in the past and how I am pushed towards a certain concept of what I should be like. My own perception has become limiting. Somehow all of the bad things in my relationships: platonic & romantic, have collected in my brain and now I have embodied all of those negative things.

Grieving is to feel grief for or because of or to cause great stress to. They say there are x number of steps to grief. If I am ready to bury my old self I must follow these steps in order to get over it. There are five: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But how does oneself grieve oneself?

Maybe it’s because I am going through a quarter life crisis (shake your heads, you thirty plus year olds, you) that I decided it was time to do much more than just party. Maybe it’s time for me to start acting like all of my friends with degrees act. Maybe it’s not. I can’t say for certain just yet but each day is a step closer to discovering what my happiness is. Sure, the road to happiness is long, winding with twists and turns, steep climbs and huge falls to piss your pants. Some could say it’s treacherous. And although I am only two weeks deep into my re-self discovery, I know that I’ll be learning more about myself in the forthcoming weeks. I am genuinely looking forward to what lies ahead.

96th Hour of Sobriety

I thought I’d make my comeback with an extravagant entrance. Picture a ticker tape parade with floats composed of people wearing burlap sacks and holding Zimas. Visualize a nun pontificating about abstinence and the benefits. Imagine a cop confiscating an 8th of weed and the criminal being delighted. This has been encompassing me for the past few days. Although 96 hours isn’t much in the grand scheme of things it is for a person who partakes in vices.

After a month of just turning 25 I believe it’s time to clear my head. Best described to a friend, “I don’t want to let any of those things cloud me, myself and I plus this means I’ll have more money.” Of course, he did not take me seriously and retorted, “That is very true, hookers can be quite expensive.” Despite what others think, I’m dead serious. I’m about to embark on a 3 month journey of no sex, smoking, alcohol or drugs. My goal is ultimately to extend this beyond 3 months but I’m not making any promises.  In 2009 this is probably the most difficult task to grasp. By now you’re probably baffled as to why I would even choose this escapade.

Well, after a long bout of ominous dating, four months of non-stop late nights, strong drinks and a haze of THC, I’m burnt out. Although I have a strong head screwed on my shoulders. I need some clarity.
I whole heartedly believe that sex is the bane for most woes. In excess alcohol and drugs have the same effect.

Iam preparing myself for a lot of nights of, well, boringness according to popular belief. I have stocked up on a ton of books, music, movies and a few friends who support me. Perhaps my expectations are high but I’m thinking I will experience a lot of epiphanies.

My first one I’ve discovered is respect. I certainly know the definition of respect but do not know it in the context of myself. While I hold respect for a lot of people I have not respected myself recently. I have let people disrespect me time and time again. From disappearing on me for a week to emotional abuse to letting someone back into my life. The list, unfortunately, goes on. In the past I’ve known that in order for others to respect you it begins within yourself. I am now starting to remember this.  While most people will not understand what or why I’m doing this to me this is a challenge I’m willing to take in order to gain the insight I’m looking for.

The days of me acting like I’m 18 are over for awhile. I suppose this means I’m grown up or mature as they call it.

5 Favorite Commericals

My humor consists of a lot dark things. I like it when death, diseases and just downright inapproriate things are made into jokes. Therefore this is why I like this Skittles commerical.

Continue reading »

Vegan parents who don’t do their job

When you become a parent there are a lot of changes that effect your life. No shit, right? Mainly, I think you know that a lot of sacrifices must be made for the sake of your child(ren).

I’d like to think when I become a parent (and my hope is for the rest of the parents out there) my child is number one. My child’s health, success and life should be of the utmost important thing to me.

Now, I do not eat meat. My plan is to not eat me again, EVER. That’s F-O-R-E-V-E-R. I realize what the risks are in not eating meat or dairy. I eat as much protein as I can and have even taken supplements to elevate that stress on my body.

At the moment I have no kids and I’m not exactly sure how the vegetarian/vegan thing will go over with my kids but everything will be about choice for my kids. I do not want to force anything upon them. Certainly the choice is theirs when they are capable of making decisions with a sound mind.

With that in mind, parents of a 12 year old girl in Scotland are now facing possible charges from a strict Vegan diet they enforced. Their daughter went to the hospital due to the strict diet and lack of well being. It was then discovered that this girl has a degenerative bone condition from lack of Vitamin D.

Some of the main sources of Vitamin D are derived from liver, oily fish and dairy produce. However, Vitamin D can be found in other sources such as supplements, soy milk, sunlight, etc. So it is not that Vegans cannot access it it’s lack of action from the parents.

Therefore this makes it a such a controversial issue (especially for me). The questions that are posed for myself are why would they enforce Veganism upon their daughter, how could they go on if they knew full well what their child needs and how her health is detoriating. In addition how could they continue that diet based upon their beliefs they hold while compromising her livelyhood.

Last year a couple from the United States was given a life sentence in the death of their 6 week old baby who was starved to death. Several years back two parents were sentenced to community rehabilitation for admitting to starving their baby to death.

Just the thought of these people makes my heartbreak. How could anyone in their right mind starve or deprive their child of anything?

Yes, I believe eating animals is wrong. However, it’s a no brainer to me that an innocent being’s vitality shouldn’t be compromised. No way, no how.

These people are not only giving parent’s a bad name but also Vegans. Because of people like them that’s why others are so quick to point the finger. My guess is instead of the public examining the basics of parenthood they will examine Vegans principles.

Day 18 of Veganism

It’s been 18 days since I embarked on my journey of becoming a vegan. Previously I reported on my progress on Day 5.

Since then I have had a lot of people question, discourage and support me. Although it is disheartening for people to poke fun at my decision I believe it’s because they do not know their facts. Or they want to be right.

All in all, everyone makes a choice as to what they want their life to be. I do not judge or turn my back on people who choose to eat meat. This is what I want my life to be like and no one is going to break me away from that. I’m always up for a good challenge though!
Lauren commented on a few things in my last post. Which I’d prefer to answer here.

  • My hunger has evened out already. Which is a huge relief. The annoying feeling of an empty stomach was starting to irk me. While buying a lot of groceries has saved me money it is difficult to eat out now. Because vegan restaurants in the Seattle area are not in every neighborhood (especially in mine) it is hard to get by with eating out. Not to mention my friends don’t find it easy to go out with me or cook food for me. Sad, but true.
  • “Are you also getting rid of leather, silk and wool?” I have not discarded or sold any of my animal byproduct clothing. I do have a few pairs of shoes and boots that are made of suede and leather. I have a few jackets made of wool. I decided not to get rid of these items purely on the fact that it’s the middle of the winter and do not have money to purchase new jackets. Also, while this is a huge life decision it is also an experiment for me. Ultimately my goal is to become vegan for life but am still waiting to see how long I can survive. The last step in becoming a true dedicated vegan is choosing to buy animal free products including clothing. I previously discovered earth and animal free clothing while writing Eco Sexy.

I am still getting used to the whole idea of being a vegan. As crazy as it sounds I look forward to more challenges.

All Time Low

Entertainment Tonight aired Larry Birkhead and Dannielynn’s visit to Anna Nicole Smith’s grave. The film crew and host, Jann Carl, traveled to Nassau. This is where Anna Nicole Smith and her son, Daniel are buried. Both of their graves are unmarked.

Any death, a celebrity or not, is always a tough thing to understand and get through. People need time to grieve properly. Since the death of Anna Nicole Smith countless things have happened. There have been lawsuits, media frenzies, pictures and videos leaked and now this?

Obviously the media has blown this out of proportion. They cannot let a family nor a person lay to rest. It seems that Larry Birkhead is buying into the media by exploiting his daughter. She’s 17 months old! Yes, I think it’s good that they are visiting her grave. Although, I don’t believe it’s necessary for the cameras to be around them.

This just makes the media seem even more money hungry than ever. This includes Larry Birkhead.

It appears that they are trying to stretch out the death of Anna Nicole Smith until there is nothing left to make money off of.

Brad Renfro, died about a month ago. I guarantee not as many people knew about his death as much as they knew about Anna Nicole Smith or even Heath Ledger.

I hope that this does not happen to Heath and his family.

Here is the link to the video of ET’s commercial for the show with DannieLynn and Larry Birkhead.

Day 5 of Veganism

Today marks the fifth day of me becoming a vegan.

For the past few years I have been a vegetarian. Which means that I have not eaten chicken, beef, pork, turkey, fish or any other animals since I was 21. I’ve had the enjoyment of eating dairy products like cheese, milk, chocolate and ice cream.

The main reason for me becoming a vegan was for the challenge. Crazy, I know. Originally I became a vegetarian because of animal cruelty and to eat healthier. This is another reason why I am a vegan.

This past week I have been giving and throwing away anything that contains dairy. Now my kitchen is stocked with fake cheese, tofu, dairy free bread, amongst a plethora of other edible things.

For the most part I have felt confident and in good health through this transition. I haven’t felt more tired or sickly. Of course this is only after 5 days. However, I have been feeling constantly hungry. This is annoying. Usually the hunger kicks in about an hour after eating a meal. This is my body getting used to no milk products.

Shopping makes for a long adventure, too. Yesterday I spent a good hour and a half at Whole Foods reading all the ingredients on the packages. To my surprise a lot of things contain dairy even in small amounts. Also, shopping at organic grocery stores is very expensive. I’m used to this though.

I have been successful in finding restaurants and cafes that are vegan. There are several in a few different neighborhoods. Other smaller neighborhoods are scarce.

I hope to continue with being a vegan. However, if I go back to being a vegetarian the world won’t end. More updates soon!

For resources on becoming a vegeternian or vegan visit Action for Animals or Peta.