August 15, 2007 marked the first day that I, Adrienne, have been to court…

TRAFFIC COURT, that is!

In mid-July, I was pulled over on my way to work for “failure to obey a steady red.” In layman’s terms, that means I ran a red light (…which I didn’t). I wasn’t speeding at the time; I mean, seriously, I was on my way to my former job, there’s no way I would speed to get there. But two cars behind me were speeding and ran the red after I went through the yellow and did they get pulled over?? Nooooooooo. Of course not.

Whatever, so I get off the main road, get my ticket issued, and cry a little bit (I’m Catholic and have a guilt complex, so although I pay for everything, I am still certain my parents are going to kill me). I also remember as I am pulling over that I had gotten my license picture taken the day before and chose to put my hair in a side ponytail and wear a sweatband for it (stay classy, Philadelphia!). But the police officer was very nice and actually kinda cute (in fact, if you’re reading this Officer Matt and you pulled over the chick in the Acura coupe, call me!). He was the one who suggested that I plead “not guilty” and he would “see what he could do about the points.”

Points???? Oh, hell yeah, I’m pleading not guilty!!

So I did and today I made an appearance at the district court for Montgomery County. My appointment was for 9:45am so I showed up at 9:30am. Of course, I had to pay for parking at a meter so I put in every nickel I could find in my ride. Jerks. I walk in to a crowded waiting room which I expected to be filled with vagrants. Then I remember that I’m on the Main Line and everyone has more money than I do. I immediately make up, in my head, all the crap they are in for to entertain myself, but pretty much it’s all traffic violations. And soon enough, it’s just going to be me and another person in the waiting room, as everyone else gets called and processed.

I approach the counter, sign in… and I wait. And wait. And wait. It gets to the point that the 75-year-old man at the counter quips “I’m getting sick and tired of looking at you” (in a joking way, of course, because made sure to look hot, in case the cop did show up and wanted to ask me out). An hour later, he gives my citation to another officer who takes me in as a mercy case and we head to the court room. He’s not bad looking, but he’s definitely married with kids. I can tell these things.

Now, let me tell you… despite the fact that it’s a district court, it’s still kinda intimidating. The judge is all in her robes and shit and she’s definitely holding a gavel and the cop is on the side of the courtroom where the good guys on Law & Order sit and I’m just kinda shaking a little bit on the “bad people left hand side.” So we’re all sitting and smiling and verifying my name and the cop is like “Are you worried about the points?” and I was like “Uh, I’m kinda worried about everything. I just got fired so I don’t have any money either.” And then the officer was like “I recommend that we withdraw the charges.” And the judge was like “Sounds good to me, especially since Miss Isaac waited for an hour.” And I was like “Fuck yeah, rock on!” Just kidding, I was like “Thank you officer, your honor, I won’t ever do anything wrong ever again.”

Isn’t that the most accurate rendering of a court transcript that you’ve ever read? Yes, clearly I am a master writer.

Actually, I’m just really too excited because I basically just got the best karma boost ever and totally got out of my first traffic violation. I mean, considering all of the other illegal things I’ve never gotten busted for doing, this is freaking awesome. Do any of you have better stories of your brushes with the long arm of the law? I should really go read to blind kids or something to re-boost my karma, but I’m just gonna go lay at my mom’s pool instead. Oh, and obey all traffic signals from here on out.

WOOHOO!!

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