In the heat of the summer, we all need to cool down a bit.  I’m not talking about body temperature… seriously, if you haven’t figured out that drinking water and being in air conditioning are the ways to go, then you might deserve to die from heat stroke.  I’m talking about the figurative type of chill, how to be a cool person that everyone wants to be around.  Inspired by CollegeHumor.com’s article, “5 Cool Ways to Prove that You are Cool,” I’ve decided to write my own list of ways to prove one’s coolness.  Take this article with a grain, or a huge f’in pile, of salt.  And then follow it religiously. 

1) Smoke. 

I concur with College Humor – there is nothing that proves your coolness level than showing your willingness to die young.  It’s rebellious, dirty, and intriguing.  As long as you’re not hooked up to an oxygen tank and coughing up blood, smoking will generally attract bad boys/girls or those who want to expand their circle of bad-assity. Note: bumming a Marlboro Light does not count. First off, you MUST buy your own packs to be cool and second, MLights are, as my roommate Sara would say, “the Diet Coke of cigarettes.”  Man up and get mediums (at least).  If you’re a chick, go with Parliaments (recessed filters are very sexy) or Camel Lights.  Stop reading now if you’ve even considered Ultra Lights.  Just stop. 

2) Drink straight whiskey. 

Shots don’t count.  I’m talking from a rocks glass or straight out the bottle.  There is nothing more rockstar than whiskey (bourbon counts too, since it’s simply whiskey that’s made in Kentucky), but you need to stop mixing it with Diet Coke.  I mean, if you want to be a puss, sure, keep diluting that wondrous Jim Beam with the dark syrup.  But if you really want to prove that you’re cool, try the “Three Wisemen,” shots of Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Johnny Walker done simultaneously.  If you hold down your puke, at least until you get home, you’re totally cool. 

3) Be proud of your shitty car. 

This proves that you’re kind of materialistic, but in a nonchalant sort of way.  I have a two-door 1998 Acura CL and I plan to tint out the windows and put rims on it.  The car cost me $2000 and will kick your Hummer’s ass.  I also used to have a 1991 white Pontiac Bonneville that I used to rev at stop lights and try to race people in.  I drove that piece like it was a BMW (a very slow, very heavy BMW).  People who spend a lot of cash on a super-fancy car only prove just that - they spent a lot of money on a fancy car.  When you have an older car that may or may not be on its way out (no one feels the shudder it makes at stop lights when they got chrome glinting in their eyes – holla!) and you take pride in it, it shows that you are maybe too cool to care of what people think of your rusting piece of tin. 

4) Be cryptic. 

Cool people are never immediately available.  They wait to answer texts, sometimes don’t reply to emails, and although they may still compulsively check their MySpace, they won’t approve your friend request for several weeks (if at all).  Cool people are cryptic about their plans, locations, and daily activities.  This adds a sense of mystery to them and makes people want to be around them, if not BE them.  

For example, if someone texts you with “Where you at?,” answer with “Making transactions” or “On the move.”  The question has been answered, but your whereabouts cannot be figured out.  You also will always sound busy and popular.  If someone asks if you are coming out to a party, answer with “If I can swing it” or “Unlikely tonight, making moves elsewhere.”  Then, of course, you show up.  Then it seems like you kind of float through your social endeavors rather than being all over any invite that comes your way.  Your answer should never be specific, such as “Chillin’ at home watchin’ the Disc Channel, no plans, u?”  And always spell out the words, because proper spelling and grammar are SUPERCOOL! 

5) Embrace things that are decidedly “uncool.” 

This tip falls under the whole “To thine own self be true” ethos.  If you’re really into stuff that others would consider “uncool,” that means that you should voice these facts openly.  When you act like something lame is totally awesome and are passionate about it and unembarrassed, people will then consider you even cooler for not caring if you come off kinda weird.  

Example: I looooooooove Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I have novelizations, some videos, etc (I have yet to get a life-size cutout of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, but someday it will be mine).  When I talk about ST:TNG, most people (ahem *girls*) make fun of me, but as I talk about it (and I know my shit), guys are like “Wow… that’s pretty cool for a chick to like” (natch!).  Other things I think are cool that people think are lame include (but are not limited to): Sting (not the Police… Sting), the Paris Hilton song (whatever, it’s catchy, you know it), old school professional wrestling, having shoes that cost more than my rent, sweat bands, and karaoke.  

So I guess it does, ultimately, come down to being yourself that makes you cool.  But being friends with me (and smoking) will make you even cooler. 

Adrienne Saia, along with Sara Rose Heindorf, is one half of the Arbiters of Cool, stumbling around a bar near you!